Ride It
by evermine
Summary: Jake's a surf instructor in Hawaii. Consumed by panic, he lives a life of drugs, booze and women to numb the memory of an accident. But an unexpected meeting with Bella turns his entire world on its head. A story of fear, love & letting go. AH/AU/OOC
1. Prologue

**Author's Note - this is my very first AH/AU/OOC story! It's been swimming around in my head for the longest time. It originated from something i wrote in my very first mutli chapter story & due to the persistent nature of my dear partner in crime Txgal77 & her constant begging (love ya hardcore BB) this is the result. From what WAS meant to be a oneshot giftfic for said partner in crime, it has evolved to this. I hope you enjoy ;D**

**Thanks to Txgal77, missmez (you girls rock) and WolfGirlAtHeart for her brilliance in offering to beta my mess!**

**Extra special thanks to UntilWeBleed for another amazingly HOT banner - check it on my profile page - totally droolworthy.**

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p><em>"A wave came crashing like a fist to the jaw, delivered him wings, hey look at me now.<em>  
><em>Arms wide open with the sea as his floor, oh<em>  
><em>He's flying, high, wide, oh"<em>

_"Given to Fly" by Pearl Jam_

* * *

><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

I've heard people describe riding a wave as what they would imagine flying to feel like. I'd have to agree.

But it's not something you can just put into words: there's also something intangible, like a certain freedom that comes with it. And fearlessness, that would probably be first and foremost. 'Cause who in their right mind would step into the ocean and be confident riding monster waves with only a stick of foam and fiberglass between them and this enormous body of water? You'd have to be insane, right?

I was.

My cockiness served me well. My invincible attitude made it easy to believe _I_ was controlling the swell, not the other way around. But who the fuck was I kidding.

I was up for the junior title, and the decision to paddle out and tackle a ten foot wall of water was one made in haste. Virgil said 'fortune favours the bold' – what the fuck did he know? I made the bold choice to pop up on my board and I rode that wave for exactly one minute and thirteen seconds. It was _the_ best minute and thirteen seconds of my life. I was closer to God than I'd ever been in more ways than one.

What followed nearly sent me to meet my maker, and those seven months, one week and two days spent recovering were the worst three hundred and nineteen thousand, five hundred and sixty minutes of my life. It was a lot to give up for a one minute and thirteen second rush.

An inch. That was all it took. Just an inch. That's how much my foot slipped forward on the board, but it was more than enough to set it off balance, and I toppled forward over the lip of the wave and flew head first into the ocean.

See it's all about the physics. Not that you actually think about that shit while you're up there. But I did on the way down. The fall felt like an eternity and I knew deep down in my gut that I may not walk away from this. I didn't. I was carried out, broken and shattered- mind, body and spirit.

I'd smashed four vertebrae in my spine, shattered my pelvis on the left side, snapped my collarbone clean in half, broke my femur in my left leg, had a concussion, and multiple lacerations along my left side thanks to the reef that I had been thrown into courtesy of the waves. I was pretty fucked.

When you wipe out, when you're under the water and it's throwing you around like a damn washing machine, you go limp. Eventually, the ocean will spit you out at the top. But placing your life in Mother Nature's hands is a lot easier said than done; she can be a total bitch. I swallowed and inhaled so much water that I had my lungs drained and my stomach pumped. I never realised, but the body does this awesome thing where a valve closes over your airways and the water fills your stomach first. Then your brain registers that no oxygen is entering your lungs and you're pretty much fucked either way, so the valve opens and water begins to fill your lungs.

I remember it. Every second of being underwater, it was all crystal clear. I can still recall the taste of the salt water on the back of my tongue, the burn in my throat as the fluid forced its way down, the hopeless gasping reflex that kicked in, that dread in the pit of my stomach that I'd never see anyone I loved ever again. I still have nightmares; they plague my waking hours too.

So, I still wonder how I managed to end up here.


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's Note - Thanks to Txgal77, missmez (you girls rock) and WolfGirlAtHeart for her brilliance in offering to beta my mess. **

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p><em>"If it swells... Ride it"<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

_Ding!_

The bell from the microwave rang. Tina opened it and took out the white china dinner plate. She placed the plate on the heavy marble kitchen bench top and pulled out the stool that was tucked in underneath. She sat on the stool and reached over for her Prada bag and fished out a matching Prada wallet. She flipped open the wallet, took out a tiny bag of white power, opened it and poured its contents on the plate.

I noticed four different kinds of platinum credit cards in her wallet and rolled my eyes unintentionally. I mean it wasn't like she was rubbing my nose in the fact she was fucking loaded, but everything about her screamed excess - from the overly blonde hair, to the overly tanned skin. The overly large hand bag, to overly high heels. Everything about her was too much.

She pulled out the platinum Amex card and began pressing the white powder on the plate, breaking down any bigger pieces and fluffing it up with the edge of the plastic card. She used the card to divide the little mountain of powder in half and then each of the two in half again, dragging the card along either side of each little hill to make four lines, each of those roughly four inches long. She brought the card up to her mouth and ran the edge through her pursed lips, licking them after the swipe, scrunching her nose at the taste.

Tina stepped off the stool, tugging at her overly short dress, she reached and grasped the plate in her right hand and grabbed mine in her left.

"Follow me Jake," she whispered.

I nodded and walked behind her past the French doors that led to the enormous pool. She led me down a hallway and directly to the bedroom, flicking the lock behind her.

She placed the plate on the edge of the dresser and fetched a hundred dollar bill from a jewelery box in the corner. She rolled the bill with her overly long nails and offered it to me.

"You first," she said, waiting for me to take the bill from her hand.

I shook my head from side to side. "Ladies first," I replied with a smirk.

"As you wish."

Tina positioned the rolled up bill at her right nostril and inhaled one line. Then she switched sides and repeated the motion. Her eyes watered as she rubbed at her nose and held the bill out to me.

I took it from her and cleared my nose. I held the bill with my thumb and forefinger, closed the opposite nostril shut with my other hand, and inhaled; snorting the first line of powder, then the next.

I leaned back against the wall and squeezed my eyes shut, throwing my head back and tasting the drip down the back of my throat. I opened my eyes and watched as Tina licked the tip of her index finger and ran it over the remnants on the china plate. She closed the gap between us, pressed up against my chest, raised her hand and placed her finger between my lips and onto my tongue. I licked off the powder, sucking it with an audible pop. Her petite fingers then trailed down my neck, over my chest and along my stomach. She lifted the hem of my t-shirt and pulled it up over my head, throwing it on the floor.

Her mouth was at my ear the exact second her fingers toyed with the buttons of my jeans. Her nimble fingers flicked the buttons open and her hand was rubbing my hard on, the other digging nails into my shoulder. I winced with satisfaction.

"God damn it," I spat through clenched teeth, fisting my hands in her hair.

I moved both hands under her ass and lifted her up in one swift movement. Her legs wrapped around me as I walked over to the large bed. I laid her down on the bed and stood to pull my jeans down, kicking my shoes off with them, while she lifted her hips and pulled off her panties. I kneeled between her legs and watched as she raised her dress over her head and tossed it to the floor along with the rest of our clothes.

I leaned forward and hovered over her, finally crashing my mouth on hers and she moaned against me, her eager hands grasping at my sensitive flesh. The drugs were quick and my body tingled; every touch felt like electrical currents skittering over my skin.

Tina's tongue caressed mine and her teeth nipped at my bottom lip. The roof of my mouth was so numb, my tongue felt foreign in my own mouth.

I rose up on my knees as she scooted back further, biting her bottom lip seductively as she sat up. Her mouth made contact with the muscles in my stomach, her tongue gliding over the dips between them, all while her eyes were locked on mine.

My fingers traced over her breasts as her back arched in anticipation, her mouth opening wide as she moaned my name. I tilted forward and pressed my mouth on hers, my tongue delving inside her mouth, she responded in kind.

My hand left the nape of her neck, untangling from her hair and my fingers drew a path down the front of her body till they reached her wet folds. She was so warm and slick; my fingers dipped inside her automatically, watching as her chest rose and fell with heavy breaths.

My mind was a contrast of sharp but hazy, and all I wanted was to be inside her.

I reached for my jeans on the floor and pulled a condom from my wallet, unwrapped it and rolled it on in one quick motion. I hooked my arm under her knee and lifted it up, positioning my dick at her slick center. Her hips lifted automatically to meet mine and I thrust into her, the heat and tightness making my breath catch instantly.

"Oh God," I breathed into her neck. She smelled like candy and I couldn't help but lick her to see if she tasted like it too. She did - there was a sweetness I couldn't quite place and I instinctively sucked at the flesh of her neck as hard as I could.

My hips found a steady tempo of thrusting as she writhed beneath me. Her hands ran over the skin of my stomach and chest before wrapping around my back and pulling me into her chest. I palmed her breasts and a contented sound escaped her lips as she dropped her head back.

There was a tightness in my stomach that needed desperately to be released; every push within Tina's heat bringing it closer. I needed to be inside her as far as I could be, so I hitched her leg over my shoulder and pounded my hips against hers harder and faster. Every second was inching me closer to the release I craved, until finally ecstasy washed over me and Tina cried my name, clawing at my back until my hips stopped bucking of their own accord.

I collapsed on the bed beside her, our breathing laboured and chests heaving. She propped up on her elbow and leaned over, kissing my mouth once again. Her blonde hair spilled onto my chest as she traced the outlines of the muscles in my stomach.

"More?" she asked.

I wasn't precisely sure if she was referring to the blow or the sex. I was happy to accept either, till there was a bang on the door.

"Dude!" yelled Nash's harsh voice. "Get your fucking ass outta there."

Tine rolled her eyes and sat up as she reached over for her clothes. I mouthed the word _sorry _to her and she smiled.

"Yeah, I'm coming man, give me a minute," I replied.

I stood and walked to the bathroom, removing the condom and tossing it in the waste bin. I leaned against the sink with both arms outstretched, studying my face in the mirror. Fuck, I felt out of it - this shit was strong. My eyes were eerily alert, but my mind was clouded and my skin appeared sullen. I splashed some water on my face and rinsed out my mouth. The cool fluid still felt strange in my numb mouth.

When I walked back into the bedroom, Tina was reapplying her make up in the mirror, already fully clothed. I grabbed my jeans off the floor, stepped into them and I slipped my shoes on. I threw the t-shirt over my shoulder and unlocked the door. Nash was waiting on the other side with a beer in one hand and a plastic cup full of clear liquid in the other.

"Here," he said, handing me the plastic cup, "It's vodka," he added before pushing me forward.

"Hold the fuck up man," I complained. "Hey Tina, I'm gonna go back out there."

"Ok," she replied, sounding clearly annoyed.

I knocked back the drink, swallowing the entire contents of the cup in one gulp and followed him out, pulling my shirt back on as we left the pool house. My throat still lacked sensation, but I felt the heat spread in my gut once the alcohol hit my stomach.

The elaborate pool took up most of the yard. Why anyone would want a pool when the beach was their backyard was beyond me, but I guess it was for show. This was Hawaii after all, the playground of the rich and famous.

This was all so different from my life back home.

Home used to be La Push, a small Quileute reservation in Washington State. I lived there with my dad Billy and my twin sisters Rebecca and Rachael - before they moved away that is.

My sisters jumped ship as soon as they could. Rachael went off to college and Rebecca met and married a Samoan surfer named Tama. They live here in Kauai. I had actually lived with them for a few months.

So here I was, living in Kauai, and working at the Kaua'i Marriott Resort which is in Lihue on the east coast, as a surf instructor. I don't know how the fuck I ever stepped foot back into the ocean, but you know, conquering your fears and all that shit. Besides, I wouldn't know what else to do with myself, surfing was the thing I was best at. Aside from fixing cars, but I had no aspirations to become a mechanic. My dream was to ride the waves and live an endless summer. If only I could manage to get back into water deeper than five feet without having a panic attack, then I could piece my life back together.

But I was lucky. I had some kick ass friends at work and after a few months living with Bec and Tama, I moved in with a few of the guys.

Nash was originally from Rhode Island and worked behind the bar at the resort. He was covered in tribal tattoos and was seriously ripped; he was fucking vain and his reflection was his best friend. Nash was 23 and a major player - his nickname was _Casanova_. He bedded all the cute girls on vacation; they should have really had him in the resort brochure as one of the main attractions. Chicks flocked to him like bees to honey.

Makani was a Hawaiian native and worked as a tour guide. He was laid back and reserved and just went with the flow. Mak was 20 and was working to get enough money to leave the island. Everyone thought he was deranged - who'd want to actually leave this heavenly place? But he had grand plans of his own. He wanted to study engineering.

The three of us lived together in a dingy little house on the other side of town. We worked to support our lifestyle, which right now was women, booze and drugs - the three staples for guys in their early twenties. Well I was still technically 19, but who the hell cared.

Nash and I rounded the pool and walked up the stairs through the French doors, weaving through all the people. He led me directly to the makeshift bar, the huge marble counter in the kitchen of the main house. There were too many bottles to count and I reached for the nearest bottle of clear alcohol and poured it in a plastic cup, filling it to the brim. I grabbed another and filled that too, gulping it down and refilling it one last time. I looked at the bottle of Belvedere vodka, though any would suffice so it didn't really matter, but Tina only bought the best.

"Man, take it easy, you gotta work tomorrow," Nash warned.

I rubbed at my nose, still irritated from the lines Tina and I snorted earlier, a slight burning tingle evident now.

"S'ok, I had a little pick-me-up before."

"What? Man! Another perk of fucking Tina," he complained. "Man, I knew I should've kept her for myself!"

Tina's father was some mega rich asshole businessman. He travelled a lot so she always had parties at the house. She lived in their house in LA, but spent the summers here, tanning the days away by the pool of the resort. I don't think she actually had a job per se, unless you call being a socialite a job.

I met her at the beginning of the summer. Nash had been trying to score with her for years, but she always turned him down. He told the story his way and in his version he pointed her in my direction. So to keep Nash's ego firmly inflated, I just went with it.

Tina was fun. We fooled around and shit, but it was strictly that - just for fun. There were zero expectations and even fewer strings attached; it was a sweet deal. Plus it didn't hurt that she scored the good shit, since we did like to party often.

Nash and I walked back outside, and stood leaning against the thick glass fence around the pool.

"Wait till you see this chick Jake, I swear to God, her rack is like…" he motioned to his chest with his hands, "A perfect ten. She's gonna get me through to triple digits man, I just know it."

I felt strange and queasy, the alcohol sloshing around in my empty stomach while the drugs masked the effect. My head felt light and my breathing was laboured.

"I'm just gonna go down and sit on the beach for a bit," I told him.

"Cool, I'm gonna to see if she's here yet," Nash replied, chugging his beer and placing the bottle on the floor. "See ya man."

I nodded at him then made my way through the back fence to the beach.

I kicked my shoes off and sat down in the wet sand, digging my feet into it and resting my head on my knees. I thought about home and my dad.

He had never wanted me to get into surfing full time; he thought it was a waste, that I'd never make a career of it. I wanted so badly to prove him wrong, to show him that I was capable, that I was _that_ good. But fuck, the accident saw the end of my surfing career, so how could I continue even if I wanted to?

I was too afraid to get back in deep water. So instead I ran away to Hawaii, moonlighting as a surf instructor, pretending that it was all safe and fun and shit. My manager told me to lie about my scars, to say they were from a car accident if customers ever asked; apparently the truth wasn't good for business. But no one _ever_ asked. The mark from surgery on my spine had left a thick scar from the tops of my shoulder blades down to my lower back, and the gashes on my left side were angry dark marks that look like I'd been ripped open by a bear or some shit.

My dad wanted me to concentrate on being a mechanic. I was great with my hands and _that,_ he believed, was an honourable job. I guess he'd always assumed that after the accident, I'd just get right back into cars. I guess I still had to prove him wrong.

My head was spinning and all coherent thoughts flew right out my brain. My breathing was all fucked up and my chest felt tight as I struggled to get air into my lungs. Shit, this was the worst buzz ever.

Instantly the feeling of being submerged underwater overwhelmed me. I was gasping for air and reliving the fear of believing that this was it, that I _was_ going to die. The burn in my chest and throat wasn't real; it was the memory that had been etched into my subconscious, and still, it terrified me.

I recognised that this was just another panic attack; I'd been plagued by them ever since the accident. The doctors wanted to medicate me, they told me my anxiety was to blame and they could alleviate it all with a miracle pill. I told them to shove it; I wasn't a fan of pharmaceuticals, well at least not the kind that doctors prescribed.

I squeezed my eyes shut and concentrated on my breathing - one breath in, one breath out.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and flinched away, composing myself, before looking up. And that was the first time I laid eyes on her.


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's Note - Thanks to Txgal77, missmez (you girls rock) and WolfGirlAtHeart for her brilliance in offering to beta my mess! Plus all the other Twitter gals that get sneak peeks *fist bumps* **

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p><em>"If in doubt… Ride it out"<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

Her hand rested on my shoulder and I focused on the warmth of it. My skin reacted with goose-bumps, my cool flesh prickling under my t-shirt. The drugs were still affecting me, as was the copious amount of vodka I'd drank.

The girl kneeled by my side, her small hand still on my arm, and her fingers brushed against my collarbone. I looked over at her trying to focus on her face; the moon was full and the night was relatively light.

She was beautiful. There wasn't anything specific - it was just the way her features all came together- there was something familiar and inviting about her.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her voice concerned. It baffled me as to why she cared because I was a complete stranger.

My breathing was still heavy and I made a conscious effort to rein in it a little more; I didn't want her knowing what was happening to me. Besides, I think I averted the panic attack before it got too bad.

"Yeah. I'm fine," I replied nonchalantly, "Think I'd better ease up on the vodka."

I laughed and tried to be casual.

She finally lifted her hand from my shoulder and her fingers tucked her auburn hair behind her ear. "All right, well I'd better go inside," she said as she rose to her feet. "You sure you're okay? There isn't anyone I can get for you?"

I shook my head. "No. But thanks."

She smiled and I swear her eyes did this little twinkling thing. Fuck I must have been tripping hard.

"Here," she offered me a bottle of water, "take this. Hangovers are a bitch."

I smirked. "Yeah. Thanks by the way." I had no intention of actually drinking that water, but she was so sweet I couldn't refuse her.

"What's your name?" I asked the question before it even registered. _Fuck_! I must have looked like a complete loser – sitting on the beach, drunk and acting like I'm hitting on her.

She narrowed her eyes. "My dad taught me not to talk to strangers," she teased, her lips curving into a smile.

"But you spoke to me first. Does that count?" I asked, "Besides, if we know each others names, then we're not really strangers," I explained, a little _too_ enthusiastically.

She laughed. Fuck she was cute.

"I'm Bella," she said, holding out her small hand.

I grasped it in mine, completely enveloping it and gave it a shake. "I'm Jake. See, we're officially friends now."

She nodded. "Okay Jake, my new official friend," she teased in a very serious tone, "I have to get back before there's a search party for me."

"Are you at that party?" I asked as I pointed towards Tina's house.

"Yeah. So… it was nice to meet you, and be sure to drink that water," Bella instructed.

Then she turned and walked away. Her brown hair blew in the breeze - she grasped it in one hand and reached down with the other, grabbing at the fabric of her dress which was flapping around.

Fuck. I wished I was sober.

I continued to sit on the beach. The cool wind helped to clear my head and I focused on getting my heart to stop thumping in my chest and ears. I scooped up a handful of sand in my fist, opened my fingers and watched the grains of sand run through them. The sensation of the tiny granules slipping through my fingers felt strange, but I kept repeating the motion - it was just something to focus on other than the erratic beating behind my ribs.

I kept looking over my shoulder towards the party, thinking about the girl, about Bella. I wondered if she lived on the island – I was pretty sure I knew all the locals, so I doubted that. Maybe she was here on vacation.

Bella. What an appropriate name. She _was _beautiful. I shook my head as if to physically remove the image of her smile from my brain. Then I picked myself up, dusted the sand off and made my way back to the house.

The music was blaring and more people spilled onto the deck outside - if this party got any bigger, I was sure the cops would be called.

"Hey," a voice called out to me. I scanned the faces of the people around me and spotted some friends by the pool. "Where have you been?" Lani asked.

Leilani was Hawaiian through and through. She was 19 and had that native thing going on with the long dark mane of hair and beautiful rounded figure. She was a dancer and ran classes at the resort.

I exhaled deeply, my head was still buzzing. "Just trying to get my shit together on the beach," I explained as I pointed over my shoulder with my thumb.

Her brow creased with worry. "Are you okay?"

I shrugged my shoulders and ran a hand through my hair. I haven't been okay in a long time. "Sure, sure."

"Liar." I heard her voice before I actually saw her. Zoe.

I glared at her.

"What?" she asked as she sucked on the lemon slice from her drink. "You think we don't know you well enough to know that's bullshit?"

They knew. And yet, they really didn't.

"Zoe, drop it all right?" My voice came out firm and threatening. I didn't mean for it to – it just did. Zoe knew exactly how to press my buttons.

"Tina's looking for you," she said, changing the subject with quirked eyebrows. "Apparently, she has _more_ for you." She rolled her eyes as she emphasized the word _more_.

I shook my head and turned to go back inside. "I'm gonna get another drink. You guys want anything?"

"I'm fine," Lani said.

"Zoe?"

"Nope," Zoe replied with smirk. "Be sure to find Tina. I'd hate her to think I didn't pass on the message," she added with thick sarcasm.

Zoe was a blonde California girl. She moved to Hawaii four years ago when she was 18. She was a firecracker, sorta the female version of Nash, and worked in the spa at the resort as a masseuse. I must admit she had awesome hands – the things that girl could do.

"Yeah, will do," I called over my shoulder as I crossed through the French doors.

I'd never fully opened up to my friends – they had no idea how bad it was, how incapacitating the fear and dread were, how it consumed me. I chose to dull the memories instead of fight those demons. It ate away at my insides - physically _and_ metaphorically. It was a constant cycle of drugged highs and plummeting lows, but I didn't care. If it meant that I could close my eyes without being jolted back to that day, I'd deal with the lows.

I made my way back to the kitchen, casually looking amongst the crowd for any sign of Bella. There were no more plastic cups so I just grabbed a bottle of Belvedere that was three-quarters empty and decided I would improvise. But before I could bring it up to my mouth, a hand reached out and grasped the neck of the bottle.

A set of lips pressed against my left ear. "Hey, I've been looking for you," Tina said as she snatched it out of my hand.

"Yeah, I heard," I replied as I reached for the bottle again.

Tina pulled it away and began taking backward steps out of the kitchen. "Come on," she suggested as she motioned towards the door with her head. "Round two in my room, this can be your chaser." She shook the bottle in front of me.

I had to work the following day. I _had_ to get some sleep before my shift at eight, so I was pretty sure the right thing to do would be to decline Tina's generous offer of more blow.

I closed the gap between us and pressed my front against hers. She took a step backwards again and was hard up against the glass wall. She held the bottle off to the side and I leaned into her and spoke against her lips. "Now sweetheart, behave yourself."

Her mouth opened in anticipation of a kiss and I took the opportunity to lean over and snatch the bottle away from her. I pulled back from her and grinned. "I gotta work tomorrow, but save it for another time."

I left a pouting Tina standing in the kitchen and made my way through the people in the lounge, stopping to chat a few times. My eyes darted around the room, still looking for Bella. I wasn't sure why- I mean I didn't even know the girl, but those eyes - I wanted to see them again.

I spotted Mak across the other side of the room and I weaved through the people to get to him.

"Hey guys," I said as I leaned over and kissed his girlfriend Sophie on the cheek. "Where's he been hiding you Soph?"

"Hey Jake. I just got back from New York last week."

"Oh that's right! I could sure use a vacation too."

"I wouldn't call packing boxes a vacation. My cousin just moved here with her dad. I was bribed into helping with a round trip to New York and a visit to the MET," she explained.

Sophie was from the midwest originally, but she'd lived in Kauai since she was a kid. She was a nurse at a local doctor's office and she met Mak when he turned up there needing stitches. We were drunk off our asses one night and Mak stumbled over and hit his chin on the edge of the table, splitting a straight line right through it. She had to give him staples to close the wound and he cried. She thought it was cute - we just called it plain pathetic. Mak clearly didn't hold his liquor well.

"Awesome. Kauai needs more girls like you Soph."

Sophie rolled her eyes at my ass kissing comment. "Geez, thanks Jake."

"Just keep your filthy paws off the original Jake, then we're all good," Mak replied as he threw his arm around Sophie's neck and kissed her ear.

She giggled at his gesture. It was seeing shit like this that made me think it would be nice to have a girlfriend. I've had my fair share of women, but never one that I just couldn't see past. There were always others.

"Oh speak of the devil," Sophie called out at someone over my shoulder. She lifted Mak's arm from around her neck and extended her hand. "Come here B, there's someone I want you to meet."

My breath actually caught in my throat. Those eyes – they did fucking twinkle.

She smiled wide by Sophie's side.

"Jake this is my fabulous cousin Bella," Sophie boasted. "Bella, meet Jake."

Bella quirked an eyebrow in Sophie's direction but her gaze was still fixed on me. My stomach squeezed a little in reaction to her stare. What the fuck was wrong with me?

"Actually Soph, Jake and I go way back."

Sophie's eyes drifted from Bella to me and back again - her expression was one of thorough confusion. "You two know each other?"

I smirked at Bella. Damn she was cute.

"I'm kidding Soph. We met earlier," she cleared up.

"Oh," Sophie said dragging the word out. "God, I was going to say, you just moved here a week ago!"

Bella brought her drink up to her lips, biting on the rim of the cup and smiled at me before taking a sip. Those lips – fuck me. My dick twitched in my jeans.

"So Jake, what do you do with yourself?" Bella asked.

"I'm a surf instructor at the Marriott," I replied as I set the bottle down on the mantel piece behind Mak.

When I turned back there was a guy standing behind Bella with his arm snaked around her waist and his head buried in her neck.

_Fuck!_ I thought.

She giggled and pulled away from him and when he lifted his head, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

It was Nash.

"Hey man," he said enthusiastically, "I see you've met Bella."

Her expression changed slightly, "You know each other?"

"We're roommates," I explained, completely crushed. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I'd felt something stir inside when she looked into my eyes, and that smile – damn.

"All right guys," Nash began as he chugged the rest of his drink, "I'm taking Bella outta here. Later."

"Bye guys," Bella said with a wave of her hand.

"Hey Nash, behave yourself with my cousin or I'm gonna kick your ass," Sophie warned as Nash turned back and quirked his eyebrows in response.

His arm was around her waist again and I watched as they walked in the direction of the front door. He opened it for Bella, led her out and she was gone. Just like that.

Nash was my friend but he was an asshole to women – not that I was one to talk. But at least I knew the meaning of the word 'relationship'. Nash would need a dictionary for that.

My mood went to shit and suddenly I didn't care so much that I had work the next morning. I pushed past Mak and grabbed the vodka bottle.

"I gotta go guys, see you later," I explained. I kissed Sophie on the cheek, "Good to see ya Soph."

"You too Jake. Are you okay?" she asked as she placed a hand on my arm.

"Yeah, I just gotta find someone."

I shoved past the people dancing in the lounge and headed out the doors to the deck. I stood at the top of the steps scanning the crowd and spotted Tina by the pool so I made a beeline directly towards her.

I grabbed her by the elbow and leaned into her ear. "I changed my mind," I whispered roughly.

She pulled back from me and grinned. "Ok, come on." She took me by the hand and I followed her into the pool house once again.

We went straight to her bedroom and I locked the door behind me.. Tina walked over to her dresser, opened a drawer and took out another tiny plastic bag filled with white powder. She went and sat on the edge of the bed, raised her index finger to her mouth and sucked on it. I was expecting her to dip it into the bag but instead, she drew a line with the wetness from her mouth on her breast and proceeded to sprinkle the powder over it – the moisture making the blow stick to it.

Tina lifted her brows waiting for my response.

I licked my lips and used my leg to push her thighs apart. I kneeled down and settled myself between her parted legs and set the vodka down on the floor next to me. "You want me to eat it?"

Tina swallowed thickly. "Only if you want to."

She placed her hands behind her, leaned back and braced herself on the bed.

I pressed myself up against her and licked the powder forcefully from her chest. I clenched my eyes shut as the bitter taste danced over my tongue – instantly my mouth was numb again. I swallowed hard, but the action felt completely unnatural as the drug made its way down my throat. I lifted the vodka off the ground and took a big mouthful to wash the taste of the blow from my mouth.

I sat back on my heels and exhaled a deep breath trying to steady my fleeting thoughts. I ran my hand through my hair, gripped it and tugged. I concentrated on the sting in my scalp. The pain distracted me from the erratic beating of my heart and pulsing through my veins. Then it hit my brain like a fist to the jaw – the dizzying spin and pharmaceutical induced alertness.

It all felt so fake.

Tina repeated the action with her finger in her mouth, tugged the hem of her dress up a few inches and then drew another moist line on her upper thigh. She sprinkled the powder over it, tapping the tiny bag with her index finger. I was completely focused on the specks falling out of the bag and how much better they'd make me feel. "More?"

I took another swig of the alcohol and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "Yeah," I replied in a breathy voice.

I lowered my head to her crotch and I could barely feel my tongue. It was like I'd been to the dentist and been injected full of anaesthetic. I lapped at her thigh again, and then sucked every last scrap of it from her flesh.

My head swam; I was so fucking out of it. I took yet another drink from the bottle and lifted myself up and sat on the edge of the bed with my elbows resting on my knees and my head held in my hands.

"You okay Jake?" Tina asked while she rubbed my lower back.

I exhaled a huge breath again, trying to steady my jumbled thoughts and replied, "Not really."

Tina rose to her knees, scooted beside me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "Can I get you something?"

I shook my head and stood to my feet. "I gotta get out of here." I leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek, walked to the door, unlocked it and left.

"Jake! I'll get you a cab," she called after me.

"S'ok, I'll find a ride."

I found myself back inside the house, my head darting around nervously trying to find a familiar face. I spotted a friend from work heading towards the front door, so I quickly caught up to him.

"Hey Dave, you think you can give me a ride home?"

"Hey man! Yeah, sure thing, come on."

I sat in the back seat of his car, the car moved forward but I felt like my head was spinning in the opposite direction. I was thoroughly fucked. The drive home was rather quick, shorter than what it should have been, but my drug induced awareness was playing tricks on me.

I stumbled out of the car in front of our house and waved over my shoulder to Dave. "Thanks man, appreciate it."

Dave beeped his horn after me as I walked to the front door. I patted my pockets and realized that I didn't have keys. _Fuck!_ I thought to myself. I was pretty sure Mak was still at the party and Nash was out with Bella – the vision of her eyes assaulted my brain and disappointment pricked at my chest - but I tried the front door anyway and it was open.

I got to the living room and found Lani and Zoe on the couch. This was a normal occurrence – the girls had keys to our place and they were free to use it whenever they wanted.

"Hey guys," I called out to them.

"You look like shit Jake," Zoe kindly pointed out.

I ignored her and kept walking toward the bathroom but I heard her footsteps behind me. I pushed the door closed but she reached out and stopped it just before it slammed shut.

I braced myself against the sink and hung my head down – I didn't need her here right now. "What do you want Zoe?"

She stepped closer and laid her hand on my back. "Are you all right?" she asked as she slid her hand underneath the bottom of my t-shirt. "Fuck, you're burning up. Here," she pulled me up to stand and peeled my shirt off. I lifted my arms and allowed her to help me.

"Sit down," she instructed, pushing me back to sit on the toilet. Zoe then grabbed a towel and turned the faucet on, soaking the towel with water. She wrung it out a little and wiped it over my face, the cold water making me flinch away from her. "Come on," she said as she grabbed me by the elbow.

Zoe walked me to my room and sat me on the bed. I vaguely heard the front door open as the house filled with chatter and music.

I leaned over with my head in my hands again as she left the room. I concentrated on the clicking of her heels on the wooden floor as she walked back in. She sat on the bed next to me and took a small bag out of her purse.

"Ok, I wouldn't normally force _more_ drugs on you, _but_…" she began as she unzipped the bag and took out some weed and papers. "You need to get some sleep. I don't want you getting your ass fired tomorrow."

I smiled at her. Zoe may come across as a bitch but she had my back.

I watched as she rolled a joint, her fingers working quickly against the paper. "Should we go outside?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Just open the window."

Zoe leaned over and opened the window, then took a lighter out of her bag, lit the joint and inhaled sharply to get it burning. She passed it to me and I inhaled a few times and held the smoke in my lungs for as long as I could before exhaling.

We sat in silence as we smoked the joint; admittedly I smoked a lot more than Zoe did. Once it was finished, I butted it out on my window sill and flicked it outside.

"Better?" she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Better than what? My brain is fried," I told her. "Thanks though. I may even get to close my eyes before work."

"No problem. I just worry about you," she confessed, "still," she tacked on to the end.

I looked up at her, her gaze was soft and caring and something just clicked in me. I extended my right hand and wrapped it around the back of her neck firmly. "Come here," I whispered as I pulled her towards me. I pressed my mouth against hers and she pushed against my chest with her palms.

"Jake! Stop it," she protested, pulling back from me.

I didn't have a hell of a lot of love in my life, but Zoe always gave it to me willingly – even when I couldn't give it back.

I moved closer to her, my hand still holding the back of her neck, and I licked a trail up her throat. I ghosted my lips over hers and spoke against her mouth roughly. "Tell me you don't want me."

"Stop being an asshole!"

I knew she couldn't say no. And I guess I was being an asshole. I always was when it came to Zoe, but she could give it just as hard as I did.

My other hand ran down over her chest and settled between her thighs, resting over the fabric of her skin tight jeans. "Just tell me you don't want me and I'll back off."

Her chest heaved against mine and it spurred me on further. I nipped at her bottom lip, sucking into my mouth. "Tell me," I taunted.

"Fuck," she breathed against my lips, "I fucking hate you."

That was it. That was all it took.

Zoe forced her mouth on mine so desperately that it knocked the breath from my lungs. I grabbed her wrists and pulled her up to stand. My fingers clutched the hem of her top and I dragged it up her body, pulling it off and throwing it on the bed. My fingers fiddled with the button of her jeans as she attempted to do the same with mine. Her mouth left mine and she licked and sucked at my chest and down the muscles of my stomach – lower and lower and lower.

She tore my jeans down to my ankles and took my cock in her mouth in one sweet motion. My hips bucked and I let out a hiss as her teeth grazed ever so slightly on the way back up.

I reached under her arms and pulled her up against me. "What's wrong?" she asked breathlessly.

"I just wanna fuck you so bad," I told her as I pushed her jeans off her legs and lifted her up by the ass. Her legs wrapped around my waist and my dick was pressing against the wet heat pooling between her thighs. "I need to be inside you," I mouthed against her chest.

I took two steps towards my bedside table and grabbed a condom out of the drawer. I ripped the package open with my teeth as Zoe hopped down so I could roll it on. I grabbed her forcefully again and turned around to push her up against the wall; she moaned when the exposed skin of her back hit the wall. I reached down between us, positioned my dick at her center and thrust into her as hard as I could manage.

"Oh God!" she groaned as her hips writhed against mine.

She was so warm and I pumped hard to bury every inch of myself as deeply in her body as I could. Zoe's arms were wrapped under mine, her fingers dug into my shoulder blades and she struggled to pull me closer still. Her mouth panted against mine as we kissed one another, our appetites equally voracious.

The tightness rose in my gut and I was close. Zoe's tightness around my dick urged me to explode within her. I braced myself against the wall with one hand while the other grabbed her ass, forcing her closer to me and myself further into her.

Zoe gasped and squeezed at my back as hard as she could before screaming into my shoulder, trying to muffle her satisfied moans.

After a few more erratic thrusts I was done for. My head swam and my dick twitched as I came inside her slick heat.

Immediately my head fell to the crook of her neck while my ribs tried to contain my thumping heart. I could have sworn I was going to have a heart attack.

I stepped back from the wall, placed Zoe on the ground and wrapped my arms around her small waist, burying myself in her chest. "You can stay if you want."

She pushed back against my stomach with her hands. "Wow. How generous of you Jake," she replied with sarcasm.

I rolled my eyes, "You know what I mean."

She laughed mockingly, more at herself than me. "Yeah, I've been here before. Thanks," she snapped as she grabbed her clothes and quickly put them on.

She sat on the edge of the bed putting on her heels. I reached out to her. "Zoe, come on. Don't be like that."

"Why do you always have to reel me back in?" the hurt in her eyes showed through. "I can't believe I always end up back here," she said chastising herself out loud. "See ya."

"Zoe!" I called after her but she slammed the door.

I finally collapsed on my bed and stared at the ceiling for hours. I'm not sure when I actually fell asleep, but I did till my alarm eventually started ringing furiously in my ear.

_Fuck!_ I thought to myself. I felt like I'd been run over by a truck – twice!

I went about getting ready for work. I showered, didn't bother shaving and got dressed as quickly as I could. I noticed my keys on the coffee table, one of the guys must have brought them back. I grabbed the keys and I headed out the front door.

Just as I extended my hand to turn the knob, it flew open. It was Nash. He was dressed in the same clothes he went out in last night.

"Morning, man. You're off to work?" he asked, chipper as ever.

My stomach sank. Surely he'd been with Bella all night. I nodded and pushed past him. I couldn't explain that feeling in my gut; it was almost like _he_ wasn't good enough for her. But what the fuck did I know – I'd only just met the girl, yet those eyes and that smile kept invading my thoughts.

Was I just imagining all of this?


	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Note - Thanks to Txgal77, missmez (you girls rock) and WolfGirlAtHeart for her brilliance in offering to beta my mess - my punctuation must make her eyes bleed! Plus kissa621 'cause she's made of win & enthusiastically pre-read this chapter. **

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p><em>"Love and waves are all we need in these dark days"<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

"Fuck!" I screamed once safely inside my car.

I dropped my head back on the head rest and exhaled a huge breath. The vision of Bella's warm eyes and pink lips kept replaying behind my closed lids - the way she looked at me and smiled invitingly, and then Nash walking her out the front door of that party with his hand on her the small of her back.

I put the key in the ignition, started the car and backed out of the driveway to make my way to work.

My head felt like lead - it was heavy, thick, and my thoughts clouded – the last thing on earth I felt like doing was going to work, but I had no choice. I'd get fired if I pulled any more shit.

I drove the entire way with the window down, allowing the cool breeze to bite at my skin and hopefully rouse me a little better than the cold shower.

I pulled up into the parking lot at work and saw Zoe's car. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, chastising myself internally for being such a prick to her last night. Zoe and I had been in a relationship on and off for about a year – she loved me, more than I was actually _worthy_ of being loved.

I was a complete dick – always pushing her away, never allowing her to get too close 'cause I didn't really want her to know how fucked up I was. Our relationship was temperamental and explosive, from the arguments to the sex and everything in between. We were a volatile cocktail because we both knew exactly what made the other tick and what would set the other off. It was destructive and unhealthy and also totally fucking addictive. Zoe was just another vice, another _thing_ I was hooked on, and I could get a hit of her whenever I wanted.

It all ended just as dangerously as it started.

We'd been high as kites after a two day bender - she threatened to leave, I went fucking psycho and put my hand through the window. I ended up having micro surgery to re-attach the shredded nerves in my left hand. I still didn't have all the feeling back; there was a section in my wrist that was completely numb. I often ran the pad of my finger over the barely visible scar to see if the sensation had returned. It didn't - just another reminder of my stupidity.

I mean I was totally aware of my destructive lifestyle. I wasn't fucking insane. I'd had all the 'drugs are bad' lectures from my dad, but this was now more than just recreational, no matter how many times I tried to convince myself otherwise.

This was no longer a conscious choice to get high, it was a compulsion. I _needed_ it. The scary thing was that I wasn't sure whether anything would stop me. I knew I _had_ to, or I'd end up dead somewhere in some fucking alley, the problem was that I couldn't imagine that there would be anything significant enough to _make_ me stop, to make me _want_ to stop. There was no way in hell I was going to do it willingly.

Zoe left me after that. I'd scared her so badly that she didn't want to be with me anymore. I didn't blame her. I actually wondered how she lasted as long as she did. But I knew she still loved me and I was a prick 'cause I used it to my advantage.

Like last night, I knew exactly what to say to lure her back and it worked- it always worked. I'm surprised that we still managed to stay friends, but I think it would cause her more pain to be completely cut off from me, even though it would be better for her sanity.

I pulled my watch out of the glove compartment and strapped it on my wrist. My first appointment was in ten minutes so I had to haul my ass to the storage room and get all the equipment prepared. and be on the sand ready to start at 8am.

My first lesson was a middle aged couple from Alabama. _Fucking perfect_, I thought.

I walked into the lobby of the resort and wanted to cut through the pool area to get out onto the beach. I spotted my manager and ducked through the restaurant instead, She already had enough ammunition to fire my ass.

With my sunglasses still perched on my nose, I snuck through the restaurant attempting to be stealthy in my escape, but then I saw _her_.

Bella.

She sat at a table on her own, with a glass of orange juice beside her and a book in her hand. I took an automatic step towards her without even realising it before I stopped dead in my tracks. She held the book open in one of her small hands and lifted the glass to her mouth. Images of her biting on the rim of the cup last night at Tina's party made me swallow, hard!

She took a sip of the juice and started spluttering and coughing; juice ran down her chin and sprayed her book. I grabbed some napkins from the empty table I stood beside and walked over to her. She was laughing to herself and wiping the pages of her book with her hand.

"Here," I said as I offered her the napkins. "Looks like you might need these."

Bella was wiping the drips from her chin with the back of her hand as she looked up at me.

"Thanks! And good morning," she said as a blush crept up her chest and cheeks.

Juice ran down her neck and between her breasts, stopping where her bikini top sat on her chest - I couldn't help but follow the trail with my gaze, if I wasn't wearing sunglasses, it may have resulted in a slap across the face.

Fuck she was cute. And yeah, her eyes did fucking twinkle – I wasn't imagining things last night.

"Um, good morning," I finally replied after an uncomfortable length of silence.

Bella tossed her hair over her shoulder and dabbed at the juice on her chest. "So are you working today?"

"Uh, yeah. So… I gotta go," I said awkwardly as I pointed towards the door.

"Oh, okay. See ya." And she smiled again with those sweet lips.

I wondered what they would taste like, then I physically shook the thought out of my head and reminded myself that this was the girl Nash walked out the door with last night. And the same girl he spent all night with before coming home this morning.

I turned and walked away. _Fuck!_ I thought to myself. Why is this girl getting under my skin so badly?

I glanced over my shoulder at her again and she was back to reading her book while twirling a strand of hair around her index finger. _Nash's girl, Nash's girl_ I kept chanting in my head.

When I got out on the beach, the couple who booked the first lesson were already waiting. "Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Rayson," I called as cheerfully as I could muster.

This was going to be a _very_ long hour.

I always had fifteen minutes between my booked lessons to get all the gear ready. After I put the foam boards back in the storage garage, I headed inside the employee lounge to put my bag away in my locker; I'd been running so late that I didn't have a chance to do it earlier.

I unzipped my bag and pulled out a bottle of aspirin, unscrewed the lid and tipped two tablets into my palm. I swallowed them down with a bottle of water and headed back for my next lesson.

Walking out by the pool I spotted Bella tanning on a deckchair. Her black bikini was just barely containing her breasts as the top straps were untied and hung loosely by her sides, obviously trying to avoid tan lines, and the tiny bottoms were tied at the sides low across her taut hips where her creamy complexion was accentuated by the dark fabric. This in turn led my mind to wonder what she'd look like naked, which in turn started my mental chants of _Nash's girl, Nash's girl_ once again.

I bit the inside of my cheek and told my inner voice to _shut the fuck up_ when he told me I should go talk to her again. I put my head down and picked up the pace to get back out onto the beach.

My next appointment was a thirteen year old kid who's been having daily lessons for the last seven days. His name was Cody and he was from Sydney, Australia. The little dude had some moves of his own but apparently he'd heard of me when I was on the pro circuit and begged his folks for lessons with me and his persistence paid off.

"Hey grommet," I teased as I mussed his hair with my palm.

Cody speared the nose of his board in the sand. "Hey JB, what's shakin'?" he asked full of his youthful vitality.

I on the other hand needed a mid-morning nap.

"Not much little buddy. You ready?"

He nodded his head enthusiastically. "Yep!" He slipped his right foot into the leg rope and secured it with the velcro. "So who was the hottie in the restaurant this morning?" he asked curiously.

I smiled unintentionally at the mention of her. "Just a girl," I replied with a grin.

"She's got a nice rack," he said matter-of-factly.

What in the hell? This kid was thirteen and he's telling _me_ about a good rack? "Hey! Watch your mouth! You gotta be respectful to women buddy," I responded with a wink.

"Sorry JB. I keep seeing her in the elevator. She must be staying here."

I kept looking over back towards the pool area. I couldn't see her from here, but for some reason I kept trying.

"Don't know," I replied.

Sophie had said she moved here so I wasn't sure what she was doing at the hotel. _Nash's girl, Nash's girl_ I reminded myself yet again before my mind wandered too far.

The hour with Cody flew by. It always did – he wanted play by plays of all the surf competitions I'd been in and what the other pro surfers were like. So I indulged him while teaching him some advanced moves on the small waves we got on this beach. It was protected by the bay so the sets were nice and small, perfect for playing around on or beginners. Perfect for me too – shallow water to avoid epic freak outs or panic attacks. I kept up the façade well here.

I managed to get through the other two lessons I had booked before my lunch break even though I was ready to keel over from exhaustion. I was so looking forward to laying on the couch in the employee lounge and just having a quick power nap. I could barely keep my eyes open and my thumping headache only made matters worse.

So at quarter to one I hauled the boards and equipment to the storage garage and locked it up. I made my way to the lounge and spotted my manager Elle by her office door. I turned my head but it was too late – she saw me.

"Jake!" she called out. "My office, now!"

_Shit_ I thought. I rolled my eyes and dragged my ass into her office just like she asked.

Elle followed me in and closed the door behind her, leaning against it while still holding the door knob.

"So… what's up Elle?" I asked.

Her voice softened a little. "You look like shit Jake. What's going on?"

I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. "Just had a late night, that's all."

She walked over to me where I was sitting on the edge of her desk and placed her hand on my shoulder.

"You really shouldn't come to work hung over Jake. It reflects badly on us all," she said as she ran her fingers over my collar bone, up my neck and dragged her nails through my hair.

Elle and I hooked up at our Christmas party last year. It was a stupid move, but one that was kept on the down low – nobody knew about it and I wanted to keep it that way. There were a few more random times since then, but I wasn't interested in continuing it. Elle was smokin' hot, had the cougar thing going on – she was thirty years old and had two young kids. But I swore to myself that I'd keep it in my pants.

"Elle," I began as I swatted her hand away, "I'm on my lunch break now, so if there isn't anything you need, I'm gonna go."

She backed away and shook her head. "No, nothing else. But I'll be around if you want to come and find me after your shift is over."

She quirked her eyebrows suggestively as my gaze dropped to her tanned thighs, I recalled them wrapped tightly around my waist as I fucked her on her desk that one time.

"Good to know," I replied as I reached for the door handle to make a quick getaway.

I spent most of my break napping on the couch. I'd set my alarm on my watch so I didn't oversleep. Just as I opened my eyes to the annoying buzzing sound I saw Zoe standing at her locker putting her bag away.

"Hey, Zoe," I called out to her.

I noticed she hesitated a second before turning around to look at me with an annoyed stare. .I didn't blame her; I was an asshole to her last night.

"What?" she snapped.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for being such a dick last night."

She laughed bitterly and shook her head. "Yeah I'm sorry too, for being such a fucking idiot and giving into you. Yet again."

"Hey," I started as I closed the gap between us, "I was a jerk, I'm sorry. I really value your friendship, even though I don't deserve it."

Her eyes softened a little. "You _don't_ deserve it. Don't play me again Jake; you know that I have this… weakness for you. Don't take advantage. Please."

I sighed with relief. Zoe was a great friend and I didn't want to lose her. "I won't, I promise."

She gave me a small smile and I wrapped my arms around her and brought her into my chest. I rested my chin on the top of her head and whispered, "I love you. You know if I was a different person and things were…"

"Stop!" she yelled. "Don't do that. Don't finish that sentence," she said as she shook her head from side to side.

"Okay. I just wanted you to know."

Zoe pulled back and placed her hands on my face. "It just makes it worse, so just don't."

She rose up on her toes and pressed her mouth against mine for a second, then she pulled away and I noticed a sad smile playing on her lips. "I gotta get back to work."

I watched her as she walked out of the lounge.

The rest of the day went by at a snail's pace; I was looking forward to going home and crashing in bed for a few hours before the bonfire tonight.

We always had bonfires by the beach. They were a riot with lots of drinking and general debauchery – a simple get together mainly for the employees at the resort but there were always some people tagging along, which was fine – the more the merrier.

I completed the last lesson of the day and was heading towards the garage with the boards in my hand.

"Hey," a familiar voice called, "need a hand?"

_Nash's girl, Nash's girl._

"I'm okay." I couldn't be around her - the more I looked at Bella, the more I wanted her.

"It's fine, I'll just grab this," she replied as she picked up a bucket with bars of surf wax and sunscreen.

Bella was still in that black bikini, but now she had a purple sarong tied around her waist. The wind whipped at the fabric and it billowed out behind her allowing me to get a glimpse of her perfect legs. I groaned inwardly as the breeze carried the scent of her coconut tanning oil right up my nostrils.

I placed the boards on the stand and turned to find Bella picking out the bars of wax from the bucket and eyeing the labels with a confused look on her face.

She lifted one out and displayed it in her hand, a grin tugged at the corner of her mouth. "Sex wax?" she asked.

The way the word _sex_ sounded as it left her pink lips made my boardies suddenly feel very restrictive. I took a step forward to hide behind the low narrow table I used to wax the boards.

"Um, yeah. It's a type of wax for the boards."

She dipped her hand into the bucket and pulled out another bar and read the label. "Quick Humps?" she asked.

"Uh huh, another type of wax," I responded.

"Why are there so many different types? And with such, um, suggestive names?" she asked.

I leaned forward against the table before me and asked, "Are you actually interested in this? Or is this just small talk?"

Bella placed the bucket on the table and propped her hands against it directly opposite me. The way she leaned over made her breast press together -and fuck me – I wanted to press my lips against them so fucking bad.

"No. I'm genuinely interested," she confirmed as she waited for my response.

"Well," I began as I took the bars of wax out of the bucket and lined them up on the table in front of her. "So this one," I said pointing to the bar of Sex Wax, "is a base coat, so it's really hard and has a very high melting temperature. Feel it."

Bella extended her hand and pressed on the bar; she picked it up and brought it up to her nose. "Wow, it smells like coconut. Delicious."

Oh God, she smelled like coconut and I bet she _was_ delicious. _Nash's girl, Nash's girl._

I nodded, "Yeah. And this one," I continued, pointing to the bar of Quick Humps, "is really soft for easy application. Feel it."

Once again Bella lifted the bar and pressed into the wax, her petite fingers left indents in it. She brought it up to her nose and inhaled. "Oh yum, it smells like bubblegum."

I stood there dumbfounded; she was so fucking cute. Something pricked at my chest when I thought about her and Nash, but I needed to keep reminding myself.

"And this one, Really Tacky, is pretty much what the name suggests. It's very sticky for maximum traction," I explained as she touched it and then examined the threads of wax sticking between her fingers as she pressed them together then opened them up experimentally.

"Wow, that _is_ really sticky." Bella then held her hand out wondering where she would wipe it off.

"Here," I offered as I grabbed a towel off of the rack behind me, took her hand in mine and wiped at the residue on her fingers.

Her hand was so soft and warm. I stopped my mind from wandering about what they would feel like on _me_. This was dangerous and I would surely drive myself even more insane being around this girl.

I noticed Bella eyeing me apprehensively. "And the suggestive names?" she asked in a small voice.

Shit!

I took a deep breath and wouldn't allow my eyes to meet hers as I answered the question. "Um, well… some people liken the exhilaration of surfing to… um… sex," I managed to explain.

The silence was painfully obvious and horribly uncomfortable.

"Is it?" she finally asked, the apples of her cheeks stained pink.

_Fuck! Nash's girl, Nash's girl._ This chant was doing zero to the fleeting thoughts.

"I guess it all depends on the girl," I answered toying with the towel in my hand to avoid making eye contact.

_What the fuck am I saying_,I thought to myself. _Jake, shut the fuck up!_

"I'm sorry," she suddenly squealed, "here I am babbling and I'm sure you have better things to do," she apologised, folding her arms across her chest.

"No, it's fine. I have to get going so…" I trailed off.

She tucked her hair behind her ears and pointed to the door with her thumb. "Okay, so I'm gonna go. Maybe you can give me a lesson sometime."

It wasn't a question - it was more of a statement. But the thought of being in the water with Bella and touching her and showing her how to ride the waves brought about a renewed ache in my gut, not to mention a boner in my shorts.

I kept staring at the door through which she'd left, God only knows why. It's not like she was coming back and even if she did, what the fuck was I gonna do? I mean, she was my friend's girl.

I walked back over to the table and picked up the bar of wax, I brought it up to my nose and that fucking smell of coconut smelled just like Bella. I closed my eyes and inhaled like a pathetic junkie. Damn this was messed up – I just didn't know why I couldn't stop thinking about her. Was it just that she was unattainable? I opened my eyes and threw the bar of wax at the wall; it snapped in three pieces and fell to the floor with a thud.

"Hey handsome," a voice called from the doorway.

I spun around and found Tina leaning against the door frame. She was wearing a loose black tank top which hung low over her tanned breasts – damn her rack was awesome. A leather belt held her short denim skirt on her equally tanned hips and as my gaze moved down her body, I took in every inch of her long legs with my eyes, the tattoo on her right ankle clearly displayed - it was an intricate design etched into her mocha skin, some tribal ink which I highly doubted she knew or understood the meaning of.

"Hey. Um… this is a bad time," I told her as I picked up the pieces of wax off of the floor.

When I stood back up she was a foot away from me, the smirk on her glossy lips teased me, her intention perfectly clear without having said a single word.

"I don't think…" I began saying.

Her finger was pressed over my lips in the same instant. "Shh," she whispered.

Tina pressed her hands against my chest and pushed me backwards till my back hit the wall. She lifted the hem of my shirt and her hands crept all the way up my chest and scratched slowly back down – taunting and teasing their path over my abs and down my hips.

The sound of the velcro on my boardies coming apart broke the utter silence. I gasped as her cool hand reached in and wrapped around my cock; it was already standing at attention thanks to the sensation of her nails raking over my skin.

Tina licked her lips and dropped to her knees in one fluid motion. I threw my head back against the cold wall.

"Fuck me," I groaned as I fisted my hands in her hair.

She whimpered in response and pulled my shorts down to the ground, digging her nails into my hip a little harder, the other hand firmly gripped around the base of my dick. She took all of me in at once - her mouth was so hot and wet.

Fuck she gave great head, the perfect way she sucked on her way up and applied just enough pressure with her lips on the way down was mind blowing - my head was going to combust.

Up and down, up and down. Every movement of her mouth and lap of her tongue pushed me closer to the edge.

I winced as she grazed her teeth over me, taunting me while working some twisting motion with the hand on my shaft. The feel of her fingers against my rock hard cock and the heat of her mouth was the perfect combination.

I was so close and her pace picked up as she sensed my jerky movements. I couldn't help myself; I just wanted to bury myself further in her soft, wet mouth. I held on to the back of her head, shoving my hips into her, trying to find the exact rhythm with her steady actions.

I felt the fire raging in the pit of my stomach and a few more erratic thrusts and the heat exploded. My entire body felt like fireworks, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. My eyes immediately grew heavy as a warm lethargy washed over me, sedating me.

Tina rose from her knees and stood upright, every inch of her body pressing against the front of mine, and my back pushed up against the cold of the concrete wall. She traced the line of my jaw with the tip of her nose, when she reached my ear, her hand gripped my dick again and she sighed, her warm breath sending shivers down my spine.

"So when do you get off?" she asked.

"I thought I just did," I teased with a smirk.

She gripped my dick again – a little _too_ hard - and I winced. "Don't be a smartass Jake. Are you finished for the day?"

"Just about, but I got somewhere I gotta be tonight."

Tina stepped back finally and I bent over and grabbed my shorts from around my ankles and pulled them up, readjusting them on my hips.

"All right then," she began, "another time." She leaned over and kissed me on the mouth, her tongue gently licked over my lips and my mouth opened instinctively, kissing her back a little harder in response.

She pulled away, smiled and headed for the door.

"See ya," I called out as she disappeared.

After locking up the garage and getting my bag from my locker, I snuck out the back to avoid bumping into Elle – I didn't want to be in a position where I had to reject her advances again.

My eyes were stinging from the burn of exhaustion and I longed for the comfort of my bed, at least for a few hours before I was due to go back to the beach for the bonfire.

When I got home I headed straight for my room. I could hear Nash's muffled voice obviously on the phone; I wanted to avoid Nash at all costs. The sight of him made the guilt bubble up inside – I had some weird fascination with his girl and we, as a group, had a firm stance on the _bros before hos_ rule.

I just about got my teeth knocked out as Nash swung the bathroom door open, still yapping on the phone. His cell was tucked under his chin between his ear and his shoulder as zipped his jeans up with his hands.

"All right B, I gotta go. I'll see you in fifteen." And with that he snapped his cell phone shut.

"Hey man, fuck- you look like shit," he greeted as he looked me over.

"Gee thanks."

"Yo Jake, I gotta run but we'll see you at the bonfire later," he explained as he hurried through the hallway.

_We_.

_We'll_ see you later.

Did he just _we_ me?

God damn! He was bringing Bella to the bonfire and I was gonna be royally screwed. He would notice for sure. I needed to keep my distance from her, at any cost.

I contemplated inviting Tina; I even took my cell phone out and began searching for her name. But I slammed it down on the night stand and collapsed on my bed, burying my face in my pillow instead.

I was passed out in two minutes flat. I knew I was asleep 'cause I was dreaming - about a different set of pink lips wrapped around my cock.

Bella's.


	5. Chapter 4

**Author's Note - Thanks to Txgal77, missmez & kissa621 (they stamped their approval) and WolfGirlAtHeart for her brilliance in offering to beta my mess! **

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p><em>"Paddling out is the foreplay of surfing... then you just wanna hop on it and ride it out"<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

I groaned inwardly as the buzzing of the alarm woke me from my oblivious slumber.

I wanted to stay there; oblivion seemed like the perfect place to be. It meant that I could ignore the fact the Bella was involved with Nash – exactly _how_ involved, I wasn't sure, but that didn't matter. She was Nash's girl and I wasn't one of those guys to fuck over a friend.

So I was pretty much screwed. I had it bad for her, I could tell by the raging boner in my shorts.

I'd dreamed of her. This was dangerous.

I dug the heels of my palms into my eyes and tried to physically shake the picture of Bella from my mind. I couldn't though; it was as if I'd looked directly into a bright light, and the image of the blinding intensity was burned into my retinas. I could still see it even with my eyelids firmly closed.

Except it wasn't a blinding brightness – it was _her. _

The waves of her hair caressing her collarbones, the plumpness of her lips, the milkiness of her skin, the mounds of her breasts, the smoothness of her stomach, the curve of her hip…

My hand eagerly moved below the waistband of my shorts before the thought even crossed my mind. My fingers wrapped firmly around the base of my cock before I even decided to let them. It was too late - I was already pumping at my erection as the visions assaulted my subconsciousness.

Except it wasn't _my_ hand, it was _hers_.

Her delicate fingers enclosed over my length, firmly grasping and moving over me. Each repetition of the motion nudged me closer to the release I longed for.

I imagined her positioned between my legs, hovering over me while her hand stroked my hard on, her other hand roaming across the sensitive skin of my hips. Her nails raking across the muscles in my stomach. Her breast grazing over my cock as she leaned over to tease me with her tongue.

The anticipation collected inside - it was an ache, it hurt so badly and I wanted to reach the point where I could just fall off the edge and my body would explode.

I fisted the sheets in my free hand as I clenched my eyes shut and revelled in the images of Bella's chest, her creamy thighs and her pink lips curving into a coy smile. I threw my head back as satisfied moans escaped my throat. My hand picked up the pace as I neared that point of utter submission.

The ache grew and increased and before I knew it my hips were bucking up to meet the movement in my palm. I gripped harder and pumped faster, biting my lip as I did. The heat moved through me like a wildfire, spreading through the pit of my gut outwards until I finally exploded, spilling heat over my hand and stomach.

The desperation to surrender to the pain resulted in the sweetest pleasure. I lay there revelling in it before the shame crept in.

"Goddammit," I yelled, shaking my head at my own stupidity - I couldn't be fantasizing about her.

This was fucking insane. It was official; I'd completely lost my mind. And now I had to go to the bonfire and face her. Not only that, I had to face _them _together.

Something squeezed in my chest but I shoved down on it. I couldn't let myself think about her anymore- I needed a distraction.

I reached for my phone on the night stand and flipped it open. I got off the bed, paced around my room and contemplated for a second. But I went ahead and pressed "call." I listened to the ringing tone as I threw the towel in the laundry basket.

She finally answered. "Hey Tina."

I had to; I needed someone to keep me occupied.

"Just calling to ask if you want to come and hang out at the bonfire tonight?"

When she told me she couldn't because she had plans I clenched my fist and slammed it down on the desk I was standing next to. My laptop jumped as my hand connected with the wood.

"Yeah sure. Next time."

I snapped the phone shut and threw it on my bed. Yep, I was screwed. I needed a stiff drink, but I had to shower first.

I glanced over at the clock- it was nearly ten.

The house was empty; Nash had already gone out hours earlier with Bella and Mak would have been at Sophie's place. I walked around the corner to that bathroom and reached for a clean towel out of the linen closet and hung it over the shower door.

I washed quickly and as I stepped out I wiped over the fogged mirror with my palm. I inspected my face; it was still sullen but the dark circles under my eyes had faded slightly. I shrugged at my reflection. It was a slight improvement.

I dried off and put on some deodorant, then reached for the jar of hair wax. I dipped my fingers into it and rubbed it between my palms before running it roughly through my hair.

"Shit," I said out loud. It smelt like fucking coconut, which of course made me think of Bella. This was just ridiculous, beyond a fucking joke. Bella was just another girl and I needed to snap the fuck out of this; it was the thrill of the chase – or in this case that I couldn't _have _her.

I'd get over this. I had to.

I headed back into my room and pulled on my blue jeans and a plaid shirt. I stepped into a pair of sneakers, grabbed my phone and wallet, and went directly into the kitchen. I opened the cabinet and grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels, pulled the tray of ice out of the freezer and piled some cubes into a glass, filling it halfway with the Jack.

I leaned against the counter and sipped at the alcohol. The burn down my throat radiated when it reached my stomach and I quickly slammed the rest of it down and grabbed my keys.

When I got to the beach, I parked my car in the employee parking lot at work. I usually got a ride home somehow, since I was always pretty out of it by the end, but I always managed to get to bed. Whether it was _my_ bed was a different story entirely.

I made my way down to the beach noticing that the blazing bonfire in the center was surrounded by people. Every person was clutching a bottle or cup in their hand and conversing with the person in front of them over the blaring music from the stereo.

I scanned the crowd for any sign of Nash or Bella, but I couldn't see either of them yet. I had to stay away from them. Distance was going to be my tactic - avoid her at all costs.

It seemed that every time I saw Bella or spoke to her, another piece of me was left clinging onto something that wasn't there, that _couldn't _be there.

_Why didn't I just stay home?_ I thought to myself. I was never one to miss an opportunity to party - that's why.

I spotted Mak and Sophie standing near the makeshift bar, so I made my way over to them.

"Hey guys. Soph," I greeted as I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

"Hi Jake, how are you?" she asked with narrowed eyes.

I nodded. "Okay, just getting by after last night."

"Yeah, you seemed a bit… you know," she explained.

"Hammered," Mak interrupted. He laughed as he handed me a bottle of beer.

"Uh huh. Something different," I replied sarcastically.

I was always drunk or high. Or _wanting_ to get drunk or high. I laughed in spite of myself – I was pretty pathetic.

We stood around talking for a while, chatting about random bullshit as people came and joined in, then went on their way. Familiar faces appeared and left, asking how I was or mentioning that we should catch up. I nodded mechanically not paying much attention to anything. I tuned out completely mid-conversation – Mak was saying something about the fast approaching summer and how work would be much busier than it was in the off season.

I stared at the plastic cup in my hand. The amber liquid sloshed around as I examined it closely. It was my seventh drink. I'd been here for just over an hour and I was on my _seventh_ drink, not counting the one I had at home.

"Jake!" Mak called with a raised voice as he smacked my arm with the back of his hand.

I shook the haze out of my mind and looked over at him. "Yeah, sorry man. You were saying?"

"Just that you'll be fully booked when the season takes off."

"Uh huh," I replied unenthusiastically, pretty much ending the conversation.

Just then Soph raised her hand above her head and waved. "Hey! Over here guys."

I didn't need to turn to see who it was – it was definitely them. I dropped my head, squeezed my eyes shut and ran my hand through my hair, exhaling as I did. The edges were all blurry as I peered over at Nash and Bella approaching.

God, she looked beautiful. She wore a pair of very short shorts and her slender legs were illuminated by the flames of the bonfire. The white shirt she wore had a few buttons undone and I could just catch a glimpse of the curve of her breasts. She held a pair of white sandals in her left hand as she casually gazed up at Nash through her thick lashes, that brilliant smile breaking out on her lips as he whispered something in her ear.

It made me smile in return, before the realization dawned on me that they _had _secret conversations to be exchanged, and I had nothing.

I had never envied Nash, but in that moment, I would give anything to walk in his shoes, to have Bella by my side and my arm wrapped lazily around her waist.

Her gaze left Nash and she turned and looked directly at me. I, being the idiot that I am, very obviously snapped my head in the opposite direction. Avoidance was my tactic and this was not starting off well.

"Yo! Jake," Nash called out to me as I tried to make a run for it.

I cursed under my breath but turned back with a fake smile plastered on my face. "Hey Nash. What's going on?" I asked feigning interest.

Nash threw his arm around Bella's small shoulders. He was unsteady on his feet which made it obvious he'd already had a few drinks.

"Not much man, just took Bella out to dinner," he explained as he leaned over and kissed her cheek.

She placed her hands on Nash's chest to steady him as he practically tumbled over on top of her. "Hi Jake," she finally said.

I loved the way her lips formed around my name, so much so that I was staring at them and literally had to snap myself out of it. "Um, hi," I replied.

I immediately turned around to face the others - if I stood before Bella I'd surely just keep concentrating on her lips and how badly I wanted to taste them. That's when I noticed Zoe had joined the group and was staring directly at me. I wasn't sure how long she'd been standing there; I was too busy sneaking glances at Bella to notice. She looked at me sideways, evaluating me. Her gaze darted between Bella and I, the skepticism was painted all over her face.

I broke the stare off we were engaging in and turned to duck through a few people to remove myself from this situation. But Zoe followed. Of course she did; she wasn't one to let anything go. I knew she was following me, but I didn't turn till I felt her hand clasp around my wrist.

Zoe yanked me back by my arm. "What the hell are you doing Jake?"

I rolled my eyes at her question. "What are you talking about Zoe?" I asked, completely annoyed.

She grabbed my face roughly by my chin and moved in closer. "Listen to me. You're asking for trouble Jake," she warned in a harsh tone. She knew me well, too well.

I jerked my face out of her grip and pushed back on her hand. "I don't know what you're talking about," I lied through gritted teeth.

Zoe folded her arms across her chest and shook her head. "I'm not blind Jake. I _saw_ the way you looked at her. He's your friend and you're playing a dangerous game."

I let my head drop back and I stared at the black sky. The twinkling stars were all blurred together. "I'm not playing here Zoe," I explained in a low voice. "I just…" I trailed off. "Fuck!"

"Don't risk your friendship, that's all I'm saying."

I laughed bitterly. "What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't even know her, but I want to. So badly."

Zoe's expression changed, like I'd slapped her across the face or something. She looked at the ground and avoided my eyes.

"Shit! I'm sorry, I'm being an asshole."

She raised her hand to signal for me to stop. "It's okay. We're friends right? I'll get over it eventually."

"Hey, come here," I said as I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her in for a hug.

"I don't think you ever looked at me like that. Stay away from her Jake, it'll be more trouble than it's worth," she cautioned. "I gotta get out of here. Bye."

"See ya," I called after her as she walked away.

I didn't feel very much like socializing so I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked along to beach. It was a windy night and the waves were breaking close to the shore. The sound of the rolling water was louder than usual- my heart thumped a little faster in my chest in response and a nervousness rose up in my gut. There was always a trigger – something to set off the flashbacks, even something as simple as the sound of breaking waves lapping at the sand.

I attempted to regulate my breathing, but my body was already setting off the sequence of symptoms that would bring on a panic attack.

My palms were sweaty and I had the shakes. I gripped my hands into fists by my sides trying to steady my heart rate that was increasing dramatically. I could feel it pounding beneath my ribs as I laid my hand on my chest, reminding myself that I'm not dying.

My throat felt thick and I was struggling to breathe.

And then it hit me, that god awful feeling of impending death. I recognized it; it always came and taunted me. _Always_. The worst thing is that I _knew_ to expect it, but when it overwhelmed me, it was like every time was the _first_ time and I was drowning all over again.

I clutched at my throat and dropped to my knees in the sand.

_Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop._

The mental chanting in my head was just something to divert my attention, waiting for the overwhelming heaviness to pass, for the dread to fade as I got a grip on reality once more.

The doctors warned that drugs and alcohol could make it worse, but how _much_ worse could it get? I was consumed by looming terror in the hands of these panic attacks; at least I wasn't completely lucid when it happened. I was appreciative of the haze alcohol delivered me. I didn't want to face these attacks with a clear mind. They were worse when I was sober. It was all too vivid.

I rested my palms on the damp sand and concentrated on my breathing, reining it in with controlled breaths in and out. When it finally passed, I felt the tension seep out of my body and I sat back on my feet and looked out at the ocean.

I used to feel like I was one with Mother Nature, but now I felt like the outsider looking in. I grew up on the shores of the ocean - First Beach back home in La Push was practically my playground. I could almost swim before I even took my first steps. But now, it was a stranger to me. I didn't see freedom and escape when I looked at the mass of water before me, now I saw danger and threats.

Lost in my own thoughts, I sat on the shore for the longest time, till I heard her voice from a distance.

Bella.

"Stop!" she demanded with a stern voice.

I immediately looked behind me and could make out her silhouette standing with who I assumed was Nash. I picked myself up off the sand and walked a little closer. I could just make out his arms around her and it appeared she was struggling against him.

"Nash don't," she pleaded.

A flash of anger burned inside and I sprinted over to them and grabbed Nash roughly by the arm and yanked him away from Bella.

"What the fuck are you doing man?" I asked harshly as I pushed him back against his chest.

I was furious. How dare he be so forceful with her?

"Jake, man… Back the fuck up," he slurred. He was so drunk he could barely stand on his feet.

Bella stood behind me quietly; she had pushed her back up against the trunk of the tall palm tree. I noticed her chest rising and falling heavily as I looked at her over my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

Her hands wrapped around her middle and she shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah," she answered, "I guess. He's just had too much to drink. It wasn't what it looked like," she clarified.

If it was any other guy my fist would have connected with his jaw by now. But it wasn't just any other guy – it was Nash.

I pushed against his chest again out of sheer frustration. "Go home man, you're fucking hammered."

I reached out and took Bella's hand. I ignored how perfectly her fingers felt enclosed in mine. "Come on, I'll get him a cab."

Nash slunk to the ground and rested his head on his knees. I led Bella away from him as he began talking to himself. "Damn. They always play hard to get. There goes my triple digits."

_Holy shit!_I thought. They hadn't slept together.

Some kind of renewed hope blossomed in the pit of my stomach and I unintentionally squeezed her hand in mine. I peered over at her as we walked back towards the bonfire and her expression was one of embarrassment.

"I guess I just avoided a huge mistake," she whispered, more to herself than to me.

My chest felt tight again, but this time in the best possible way. She was still out of bounds though.

I focused on putting one foot in front of the other rather than the beautiful girl trailing behind me. Suddenly I stopped dead in my tracks and turned abruptly to face Bella. She took a step backwards to avoid crashing into me, but she was still so close that our chests pressed against one another. My breath quickened at the contact as I gazed down at her and she mirrored my actions by looking up at me.

I had absolutely no idea what I was doing or why.

Her fingers were still securely grasped in my right hand and the other rose to gently cup her cheek. In a perfect world this would have been the moment the guy kissed the girl. But my world was broken and fucked up, so this was the moment I diverted my eyes away from her wide anticipating stare.

She knew. The recognition showed in those chocolate eyes and I wasn't sure if they showed anything in return.

I dropped her hand and turned back before mumbling my apologies. "I'm sorry. I'll get Nash a cab. You don't need to stay."

She reached out and her fingers brushed over the bare skin on my arm. I swear it was like being zapped by static on contact.

"It's okay, I'll stay," she replied.

I didn't want to look at her, she needed to go home and not be here with me. I just couldn't say the words. I needed to push her away, yet the thought of her leaving stabbed at my insides.

_No, you should go_, I thought. But what I actually said was, "all right."

I managed to find a cab for Nash and paid the driver to take him back home. Bella waited on the beach as I loaded Nash into the back seat and gave directions.

When I walked back out on the sand, Bella stood close to the water's edge. She was barefoot and toeing the water lapping at her feet. Her arms were folded across her chest as the breeze blew strands of hair around her shoulders. I could see the goose bumps rising on the flesh of her arms under the moonlight. My hands were itching to reach out and rub her arms to warm her up, to wrap them around her and protect her from the cold.

Instead I stood arms length away from her. I didn't trust myself with Bella, especially when it was just her and I.

I glanced over at her face; the content smile I saw there warmed me. She looked out at the ocean in complete awe.

"It's so beautiful here," she said while taming a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Yeah. It is," I agreed. "Can I get you a cab home or something?" The way she looked right now and the things going on inside my chest were a dangerous combination. I didn't want to overstep any boundaries, but I was teetering precariously close to the edge.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" she asked, still gazing out over the expanse of water in front of us.

_Yes. _"No. I just thought since your _date_ is incapacitated, you may need a ride home." The word _date_ slipped past my lips bitterly – it was completely unintentional.

She shrugged her slender shoulders slightly. "No, I'm good. If you are?"

_No. _"Sure."

We were pretty far up the beach from the bonfire, but we could just make out people tearing off clothes and running into the water.

"Looks like fun," Bella said as she knelt down and sat in the sand at my feet. "Why aren't you over there joining in? I mean you were over here by yourself earlier, right?"

"Yes. I just wanted to take a breather."

"Appreciate the scenery. I get it," she remarked.

Against my better judgement I sat down beside her and rested my elbows on my bent knees. My fingers fidgeted nervously as my curiosity got the better of me.

"So what's your story Bella?" I asked. I shouldn't _want_ to know any more about her, but I did. I needed to work out _why_ I was so drawn to her.

"My story. Wow, where do I start?" she giggled. The sound made my insides warm.

"Wherever you want," I encouraged.

"Hmm. Well I'm twenty-one years old and I like long walks on the beach and the smell of freshly cut grass," she teased. "I've lived in New York all my life with my dad Charlie. He's in real estate. Um, let's see… I went to Tisch and dropped out. I was studying photography, but I always wanted to paint. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life and that scares the shit out of me. That's really about it." She crossed her legs beneath her and shifted slightly.

"So you're an artist."

Bella smirked as she toyed with her ponytail. "Maybe. I'm not really sure. I think I'm a little… lost," she finally confessed in a small voice. "Um, so…" she continued, perking herself up, "my dad moves around a lot for work purposes and I'm joining him here to spend some time with Sophie. And I guess to try and… I don't know… find myself. Or something."

"Or something," I repeated after her quietly.

"It seems like a great place to do just that. Besides, my mom left us when I was a baby and I've never seen her since, so it's not really like I had anyone-"

"My mom died," I cut her off. The words tumbled out of my mouth without even thinking.

Bella gasped and stopped mid-sentence. Her caring eyes glazed over as she reached across and placed her hand over mine.

"I'm so sorry," she said swallowing thickly.

I shook my head, "I'm sorry. That was a random thing to throw out there." I had no idea why I divulged that information to her. "Go on."

"No. Everything pales in comparison to losing your mom." She rubbed lightly at the back of my hand. I never understood the gesture, but Bella's skin against mine was comforting beyond words.

"Yeah. She died in a car accident."

"Jake you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Her compassion was astounding; I could see the sorrow in her eyes as I chanced a glance.

"I never talk about her anymore." My voice cracked as I whispered my secret guilt.

"You don't have to," Bella reiterated. The tips of her fingers continued to caress my forearm.

"But I _should_ talk about her. I don't remember her much, although sometimes - I don't know - the smell of chocolate cake or lilacs makes me think about her."

Bella's hand slid into my palm and she gripped tightly. She scooted a little closer to me and leaned her head against my shoulder.

"What kinds of things do you think about?" she asked curiously.

I closed my eyes and let my mind wander back. "I do remember that she used to scratch my head lightly and it would make me fall asleep. Or that she'd let me play battleships in the kitchen sink while she made dinner. Or that I'd tell her how much I loved her in dollars, and she'd tell me how there wasn't enough money in the world to express how much she loved me."

Bella listened intently with a somber expression.

"I miss her," I whispered.

I wiped my wet cheek on my opposite shoulder. In the same moment Bella lifted her head off my arm and I noticed her own tears were welling.

"I've never heard my mother tell me she loves me. Ever."

The wetness in her brown eyes continued to collect till a tear spilled out and I reached over and rubbed it away with my thumb.

"I'm sure she did."

She shrugged. "What does it matter if I didn't hear it? If I don't remember it, it may as well never have happened."

And for the second time that night I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her into my chest. Her cheek rested against my heart where I'm sure it was beating frantically, telling her how she made me feel when I couldn't.

My head dropped and my nose hovered over her hair. My mind immediately began memorizing the smell of her shampoo and the feel of her bare shoulders against my palms. This would surely play over and over again to torture me tonight.

It was so simple, sitting here with Bella, talking like we'd known each other for ever. The familiarity was almost palpable as I struggled with taming the feelings that were overwhelming me on the inside.

I loosened my embrace and Bella took the cue to reposition herself at my side.

Our eyes met and in that instant I saw it. I recognized it. There was something there for me too.

I swallowed hard. The lump in my throat rose as I recklessly pushed the words past it. "I'm so scared right now," I disclosed.

Her eyes widened as she took a heavy breath. "Jake…"

My gaze dropped down to her lips and that perfect way they formed around my name. A sensation spread through my chest at the sound of it and I longed for more of the same. Much, much more.

"I want to kiss you _so_ badly." My mouth felt dry as I choked the words out. My mind was screaming at me to stop but my heart wanted desperately for them to be spoken, out loud, because then it _was _real – to her and to _me. _

Her mouth opened as a surprised gasp escaped. My forwardness and honesty obviously wasn't something she was expecting.

Every passing second that ticked by made me want to take the words back. Why did I say it? Was I expecting her to respond? I was certain _I _wasn't going to actually do it so why did I need it to be said?

Bella glanced down between us and licked her lips. When she lifted her face she leaned over to me as close as she could. Her chest rested against my arm and her breasts pressed against my bicep. Her lips ghosted over my own and through my parted lips, I could taste her breath on my tongue.

"Why don't you?" she mouthed against me.

Bella's words rang in my head like an answered prayer, but one that I couldn't act on. I could _not_ kiss her. I wouldn't allow myself to, regardless of how badly I longed for it.

But she shifted forward a fraction and her plump lips pressed against mine. My eyes closed instinctively as I breathed her in. My lips remained stagnant and unmoving. I needed to push her away but instead I revelled in the feel of her lips against mine. What was all of three seconds felt like an eternity.

Then I was yanked from my reverie with a raised voice from behind us.

"Jake! What the hell are you doing?"


	6. Chapter 5

**Author's Note - Thanks to Txgal77, missmez & kissa621 for loving surfer!Jake as much as i do and agreeing to pre-read, and jkane180 who so kindly beta'd this chapter at lightening speed - i Flove you like whoa! **

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

**~~I wrote a Oneshot based on surferJake called 'Ice & Desire', it is completely separate from this story but uses this Jake & Bella - check it out on my profile page.~~**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p>"<em>I got a really big stick. And I know how to use it"<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

I heard her voice loud and clear. I was almost glad that she'd found me.

Almost.

My eyes never left Bella's; this moment was so fucking perfect but so fucked up at the same time. It couldn't go any further - I knew I wouldn't be able to stop if it did.

"You cannot be serious," she spat venomously.

Zoe stood behind us - I could feel her glare drilling through me - but I couldn't tear my eyes away from Bella.

Bella moved back from me, adjusting herself on the sand, and wrapped her arms around her knees. Her eyes were closed, and I could swear she was shaking her head. Fuck! Did she regret this?

"Jake!" Zoe yelled again.

I finally turned around to face her. "Nothing happened, Zoe. Give it a rest."

She stood there with her arms folded across her chest, clearly not buying what I was telling her.

"You asshole. I'm not fucking blind."

I stood to my feet, dusting the sand from my jeans as I took two steps towards Zoe. I lowered my voice as I spoke to her. "Listen, nothing happened. Drop it, okay?"

"Oh, fuck you, Jake! You were kissing. What kind of friend are you?" she asked bitterly.

The guilt stung in my chest at her accusation. "Look, it wasn't… I mean… Fuck!" I exhaled a deep breath to clear my scattered mind and ran my hand through my hair in frustration. "Zoe, I wanted to, but I didn't. I'll tell Nash. Just let _me_ do it, okay?"

I watched as her expression softened before my eyes. "Jake, you can't let a girl come between you guys. No girl is worth losing your friend over."

Bella was. I mean, I had no intention of losing Nash over this, but if any girl would be worth it, she _definitely_ would.

"I'll tell him," I assured her.

Zoe shook her head and rolled her eyes at me dramatically. "Fine!" she said and walked away back to the bonfire.

I turned towards Bella, strode over to stand before her, and dropped to my knees in the soft sand. "I'm really sorry about that."

Bella looked up at me sheepishly with a shy smile. "No. _I'm_ sorry. That was… a mistake. Nash is your friend, and I shouldn't have…" She trailed off as she bit down on her bottom lip.

My eyes immediately focused on that small nervous tick, and I longed to reach out and brush my thumb over her lips, reassuring her that there was nothing to worry about. I clenched my hands into fists and pushed off the ground to stand instead.

Her words bounced around in my head. _Mistake_. That single word, those two small syllables, stabbed at my heart and my ego. I was so sure a minute ago that she wanted this too.

"Um, can I take you home?" I asked reluctantly.

She looked up at me, but I could tell she was avoiding direct eye contact. "No, it's all right. I can get back myself."

I watched helplessly as Bella lifted herself to her feet. Her hair blew in the breeze as she held onto it loosely with her fingers and used her other hand to reach down for her sandals. She was so god damn beautiful, and I had to let her go.

I stood there waiting. I wasn't sure exactly what I was waiting _for_, but I remained motionless, watching every one of her movements. Bella came and stood in front of me. She toyed with the strap on her top, which had slid down her shoulder, before looking up and finally into my eyes.

The confusion I saw there made me ache in response. Her gaze had been pretty certain earlier, and now, it was clouded and mixed up. A small, sad smile played on her lips as she spoke, "Goodbye, Jake."

It sounded so final, like I wouldn't see her again, and panic rushed through me quickly, sweeping over every emotion that was simmering inside.

"Bye, Bella."

It was so fucking loud inside my mind with all the words I so badly wanted to say that I _couldn't_ say.

She turned and walked away; every step she took was like tightening the vice grip on my heart. I wanted to call out to her, to tell her to stop, to feel her lips on mine again and lace my fingers with hers. But I didn't.

I watched her till she disappeared into the crowd of people at the bonfire. I felt empty; it was so strange. I decided to call it a night, so I took the long way back to my car in the employee parking lot.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I pulled it out and looked at the display. Tina. My finger hovered over the buttons, trying to decide whether to answer it or end it. After a few seconds of procrastination, I hit end.

When I neared my car, I noticed a figure leaning against the hood. I instantly thought it was Bella before my rational mind told me otherwise - not that she had any idea what car I drove anyway.

I spotted the blonde hair and recognized her as Tina. _Shit,_ I thought to myself.

Tina heard my shoes scraping the gravel beneath my feet and she turned and looked at me over her shoulder.

"Well, hey there, handsome," she said playfully as she sauntered towards me. She slid her fingers under the neck of my tank, and her knuckles grazed softly over my chest.

She wore a loose top that hung off of her right shoulder; the bare, tanned skin glistened in the moonlight. Her short denim skirt was accessorized with some very high black heels, and her smooth legs looked like they went on for days. I wasn't in the mood to mess around tonight, but my cock had other plans; I felt him growing quickly in my jeans.

"Hey, Tina," I finally replied. "I thought you were busy tonight."

She licked her lips and quirked her head to one side, looking up at me through her thick, mascara-clad lashes. "I _was_ busy. But now…" she began as her nails scratched a path over my shoulder and into the hair at the nape of my neck, "… I'm here."

"I was just about to leave. I gotta work tomorrow," I explained. I needed to get the fuck out of here fast before she made her move.

Tina's lips pouted as she spoke. "Oh, well, that sucks. Do you think you could give me a ride home?"

She sounded innocent enough, but knowing her, there was an ulterior motive. Against my better judgement, I agreed. "Sure. Hop in," I instructed as I unlocked my car.

Tina slid into the seat and pulled the seatbelt across her chest, clicking it closed. Her short skirt was barely visible as she sat with her purse in her lap.

"How was the bonfire?" she asked curiously.

I shrugged. "It was okay."

I noticed from the corner of my eye as she shifted in her seat, turning her body to face me and pulling one knee up while crossing her legs.

"Did you miss me?" she asked as I felt her hand glide over my denim-clad thigh.

A smirk appeared on my lips without meaning to, the feel of her hand on me igniting something in me physically that I wanted to avoid. My mind was still full of Bella, and I didn't want Tina's hands on me. But, as the male anatomy goes, my brain and my dick are mutually exclusive most of the time.

Her fingers skimmed over my crotch as she began to unzip my jeans. She reached in with her hand and palmed my hard on roughly before wrapping her fingers around it slowly as she began pumping.

My breath sped up, and I could feel all the blood rushing through my body. I should have told her to stop, but I didn't. Her hands worked me hard and fast, my fingers wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, gripping so hard that my knuckles were white. My foot pressed firmly on the accelerator as I tore through the quiet streets on the way to Tina's house.

The heat was rising in me, and I could feel I was close. The combination of the thrill of driving and the feel of her hand on my cock brought me teetering on the edge faster than usual.

"Oh, fuck," I moaned as I threw my head back, my hands still navigating the narrow streets.

I heard Tina's seatbelt click, and before it registered, her head was lying in my lap and her lips were wrapped around my cock. I let one hand fall to the back of her head to fist her hair as she bobbed up and down. The ache was right there, ready to explode, and she felt it. A few more controlled movements of her lips and laps of her tongue, and I spilled my heat into her mouth.

"Shit!" I groaned as I shuddered courtesy of her teasing tongue licking over the head of my cock, making me flinch from the sensation.

Tina sat back and repositioned herself in her seat as I reached down and adjusted myself back into my jeans.

I pulled up into the driveway of her house. The Mediterranean style mansion screamed wealth, and Tina fit into it like a Barbie doll fit in her pink Corvette. I, on the other hand, was a small town reservation boy, who, at this moment in time, fit fucking nowhere.

"Are you going to come in, Jake?" she asked, running her hand down my arm.

I stared ahead at the mahogany double doors that led into her house then replied curtly, "No."

"Oh, come on. Don't be a party pooper."

I shook my head. "No, I need to get home," I explained.

Tina let out a defeated sigh before reminding me to call her, and she got out of the car. I threw the car in reverse before she'd even made it her front door - I needed to get the hell out of there.

I felt like a complete dick. Here I was consumed by thoughts of Bella and yet letting Tina blow me on the drive home. I couldn't think straight; I didn't understand what the fuck was going on. This wasn't normal – guys didn't behave like this when a girl they barely knew walked away from them. Why the fuck was I feeling like she'd ripped something out of my chest when she walked away? And now I almost felt a gaping hole in its place.

This was insane. I didn't want to feel like this; I wanted to numb these emotions before they drove me crazy.

I raced home, knowing there would be something there that I could abuse to make my mind blank. When I pulled up in the driveway, I noticed Nash lying on the front porch. He'd gotten himself home but passed out on the doorstep while I was sitting on the beach with his girl.

_God damn it_, I cursed to myself.

"Nash," I called out as I grabbed him under his arms. "Come on, man, let me get you inside."

I helped him to his room, practically carrying his dead weight through the narrow hallway, and I dropped him on his bed. He groaned something in his sleep and began snoring loudly as I closed the door behind me.

I had my first lesson booked at ten in the morning, and I glanced over at the clock. It was nearly three in the morning, and I desperately needed to get some rest. Against my better judgement, I reached into the drawer of my nightstand and pulled out an old box that had originally housed a pair of sunglasses.

But now, this was my 'goodie box.' I lifted the lid and removed a Ziploc bag with some weed inside, the small packet of papers, and a piece of cardboard to use as a filter. I rolled a joint and shoved everything back in the box. I noticed the small bottle of pills that sat in there under some loose papers.

I reached in and pulled the bottle out. The name on it was harmless and inoffensive – Prozac. It seemed like such an insignificant name for such a significant problem. Yet it was a reminder of the harsh reality that I was broken and completely fucked up. I _should_ have been taking Prozac; it was prescribed to me for a reason. But being in complete denial, I refused to so much as break the seal on it. Instead, I let it sit in my drawer mocking me, reminding me that in clinical terms, I was categorized as a patient who required medical intervention.

I didn't. I didn't need shit from these fucking doctors. I was going to live _my_ life _my_ way.

I gripped the bottle in my hand firmly before closing my eyes and throwing it forcefully until it hit the opposite wall with a crack. _Fuck,_ I muttered under my breath.

I shoved my personal brand of intervention between my lips and flicked the lighter, inhaling as I did to get the joint burning. I leaned back against the wall and opened the window wide. The breeze of the dawn floated through the room with a chill. I could smell the ocean, the salt in the water, and the sun on the sand. Once upon a time, it was the most comforting scent ever; but now, it was a trigger, a switch. One flick of that switch and my body would work against me, dragging me into a panic attack with such ferocity that I thought I would die.

Every.

Single.

Motherfucking.

Time.

I dragged on the joint, exhaling the smoke and letting it fill my nostrils, smothering the smell that used to remind me of home. I pulled my knees up and rested my elbows on them. I let my head drop between my outstretched arms and waited patiently for the drug to take affect.

_Bella_.

I yanked my head up and tried to shake the image of her from my mind. I didn't _want_ to think about her, but she somehow managed to sneak into my brain, behind my fucking eyes, and all I saw was _her_ every time I closed my lids.

Her creamy skin covered in goose-bumps.

The curve of her neck.

The tiny dip above her collarbones.

The bow of her lips.

The warmth of her eyes.

The familiarity of her smile.

The ease of her demeanour.

I inhaled hard again till my lungs filled. I held onto it for as long as I could till I felt the burn in my throat, then I exhaled in a gush of air. I watched the smoke dancing in the air, creating patterns as the wind whipped in and out, taking the smoke with it.

I had a love affair with the elements. I'd had the symbols for each of the elements tattooed onto my back – a line down my spine. The pictures were four triangles - each differing slightly in arrangement, two with a line through them - depicting earth, fire, air and water.

Water. I had a major issue with this one now.

In a manic episode not long after the accident, I'd tried to practically scratch it off of my skin with a razor blade. I ended up in the psych ward for three days. It was just a stupid, insignificant triangle, I tried to tell myself. But it symbolized something that I was no longer connected to, and it didn't belong on my body. I managed to nick my skin several times with the blade, but no major damage. If it had been positioned somewhere within reach, I could guarantee I would have sliced my fucking skin off just so I didn't have to look at it.

The ironic thing was that the tattoo started just below the thick scar from my spinal surgery after the accident. Like it was a god damn accessory, an invitation for people to look at it. I hated it now. But like all good mistakes – this one was permanent too.

I was lost in my own thoughts when the butt of the joint finally burned to my fingers, and I felt the heat from it. I snapped out of my day dream, took one last drag, and flicked it out of the window.

My mind swam with complete sedation – the weed creeping in slowly like a dark cloud across the bright sun. Everything was hazy and blurry. I preferred it this way; all my thoughts were painful to some degree or another, and I handled it better like this.

Somewhere between tasting Bella's breath on my tongue and feeling her lips ghosting over mine, I fell asleep.

I pried my eyes open in the morning and reached out, patting the night stand for my phone. I brought it up to my face, squinting against the sunlight streaming in through the opened window, and I looked at the time. It was just after nine, so I reluctantly dragged my ass out of bed.

I was still dressed in last night's clothes, so I stripped off and threw everything in the laundry basket. I grabbed the towel off the hook on the door, wrapped it around my waist, and headed to the bathroom to try and wake up.

I looked over my shoulder at Nash's door – it was closed, and I was pretty certain he was still in there. I needed to talk to him about last night before Zoe got to him. She'd promised to let me tell him, but I wouldn't put it past her to spill the beans.

I loitered in the shower for much longer than usual, the warm water washing over me soothing my tired limbs and my heavy head. I shampooed my hair and lathered the soap, washing over my body quickly yet thoroughly. My hand lingered over my dick as I closed my eyes, thinking about Bella… yet again.

I leaned forward against the tiled wall, my forehead pressed on the cold surface, and I held myself steady with one arm. The other hand slowly and steadily pumped as I let my mind wander. I promised myself I would keep a tight restraint on my thoughts when it came to Bella, but I was allowing myself to indulge. I really couldn't help it even if I tried.

The telltale tightness was burning in the pit of my gut, radiating outwards as my hand worked faster and my fingers gripped harder. I clenched my eyes, always seeing her behind my lids, scenes playing over and over from last night. The look in her eyes when she leaned into me, that exact second where I saw something there between us and the moment her mouth touched mine.

_Oh fuck! _I was so close, it ached so badly, and I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted _her_ hands on me instead of my own, the feel of _her_ fingers and _her_ skin pressed tightly against me. I was nearing my end so fast; the tension rose in my body as a wave of bliss washed over me. Before I knew it, I jerked erratically in my hand, moaning obscenities at the wall in front of me.

I cursed myself for wanting her so fucking much - that this girl I barely knew had this much of a hold over me. If I told anybody, I'd surely end up back in the damn psych ward. I let out a bitter laugh, chastising myself internally in the same moment.

I pushed off the wall and rinsed one final time before stepping out. I went through the usual routine of brushing my teeth, spraying deodorant, and fixing my hair on autopilot. I pulled on my boardies and rash vest, grabbed my bag, and was out the door with ten minutes to spare.

It was an overcast day. The thick gray clouds hovered low over the blue sky, allowing glimpses of the sun's rays to shine through randomly. I drove with the window closed; the smell of the ocean was now also connected to images of Bella, and I wanted to avoid it.

Once I got to work and walked through the marbled lobby, I passed Elle's office to get to the employee lounge.

"Jake," Elle called as I strode past hurriedly.

"Yeah?" I called over my shoulder.

"Your first lesson cancelled. Your next one isn't till 11:15, so you can chill out till then."

I turned around to face her now and walked towards her a few steps. "Are you serious?"

Elle nodded in reply, adding, "It was already paid for. They lose their money."

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath. "Why didn't you call me? I could've stayed in bed for another hour."

Elle adjusted her stance and crossed her arms across her chest. "Tone, Jake. Watch it. They just cancelled, so you can go into the restaurant and get Nick to give you a free breakfast, on me. Oliver can make you those eggs you like," she offered.

It was a raw deal - an extra hour of sleep or a good feed – tough choice. I'd take the sleep every time, but the chef, Oliver, did make the best scrambled eggs ever.

I huffed and conceded defeat. "Fine!"

Elle shoved the clipboard at my chest, and I stumbled back a few steps theatrically as she laughed and walked back into her office.

I made my way into the restaurant and sat on a stool at the bar. Nick came right over since the restaurant was rather slow at this time of day.

"Jake. What's happenin', man?" he asked as he wiped his hands on his apron.

I set my bag down at my feet and leaned heavily on the bar. My body was tired from lack of sleep. "Not much, Nick. Just got a free hour up my sleeve, and Elle said to come and get a freebie."

Nick nodded and pushed the menu under my hands.

"Oh, dude, I don't need this. Just get me a pineapple juice and the scrambled eggs and bacon."

"Sure thing, Jake," he said.

I opened the clipboard Elle had given with a list of my day's appointments. I scanned my eyes over it and noticed the cancelled lesson was still there.

Then that light bulb moment hit me. "Bella Swan," I read out loud as Nick placed the tall glass of juice in front of me.

"Bella Swan? Yeah, she's right over there," Nick said, pointing over my shoulder towards the far corner.

I narrowed my eyes and turned around, following his outstretched hand that pointed to the brunette girl sitting in the corner table, reading a book and chewing on a straw.

"Uh, what's her deal, Nick? I mean, what do you know about her?" I asked curiously, dying to know but feigning indifference.

Nick poured himself a mineral water and popped a slice of lemon in it before leaning on the counter opposite me. My focus was still on Bella, studying her as she adjusted herself in her chair.

"Well," he began, "from what I know, she moved here with her father. There's no mother. She spends a lot of time in here reading and lives in the penthouse apartment."

_Hold the fucking phone_, I thought.

"What? You mean she lives _here_, as in here in the resort?" I asked with confusion.

He nodded, "Yeah. Her father is some real estate magnate doing business here in Kauai and Maui, so they're living in the resort," Nick explained. "But, Jake, I thought you'd already know this seeing as she's with Nash."

And there it was. The one thing standing in my way.

Nick kept talking; I had no idea what he was saying – it was all just muffled background noise. I was too busy trying to figure out her motivations for booking a lesson and then cancelling it.

I stupidly decided to go over to her. I had an hour to kill, and why not get my heart stomped on in the process? I reached for my juice and bag and told Nick I'd be sitting at the table with Bella. Maybe.

I walked quietly over to her and hesitated for ten seconds behind her before I finally had the balls to say something. My heart stammered beneath my ribs at the close proximity, and I swallowed over the lump in my throat.

"Good morning," I said quietly.

Bella practically jumped in her seat, adjusting herself nervously as she looked up at me. Her cheeks flushed pink right away; she was so fucking cute.

"Um. Hi," she finally forced out.

I stood there like an idiot, staring at her coy smile and waiting for an invitation to sit down. Or _something_.

"Oh," she said eventually, "do you… want to sit?" The apprehension was evident in her voice, and I was certain this was _not_ a smart thing to do. But I needed to know why she cancelled – not that I had known she'd booked a lesson in the first place. My crash course in surfboard wax must have been the deal clincher.

Great. Now I was having flashbacks of Bella saying 'sex wax' and 'quick humps' and 'friction.'

"So," I began, wondering if I should just spit it out or go for small talk. I decided on small talk first. "What are you reading?"

Bella turned the book around so I could get a look at the cover. Her finger was still positioned in between two pages like a bookmark. "It's um, a series-"

"Why did you cancel?" I blurted out, cutting her off completely.

Her mouth gaped slightly at the forwardness of my question. She looked like she was contemplating her answer while shoving a very worn out bookmark to replace her finger between the pages of the novel.

"I kinda thought that… maybe it wasn't such a good idea," she revealed, gnawing on the inside of her mouth.

Fuck! This is where I should have said _yeah, good thinking_. But I asked her to clarify instead.

My brows knitted as I asked her, "Why, exactly?"

Bella concentrated on the white linen tablecloth, rubbing at an invisible spot to focus on something other than my intense glare. "I don't want to get in the middle of two friends. And I'm sorry; I shouldn't have tried to kiss you."

Oh god! Her blush spread across her cheeks and down her chest, and something in my stomach tightened.

"I would really like to have the lesson but figured it might be less awkward if I just cancelled." She rubbed her palms over her legs nervously.

"You feel awkward with me?" I asked honestly.

My pulse quickened, waiting for her response. I felt so at ease with her the few times that we saw each other and couldn't quite comprehend that she could construe the same situation as awkward.

Bella shook her head sharply as her brown eyes widened a fraction. "No! I mean… the complete opposite," she confessed in a quiet voice.

Her gaze met mine, and the vulnerability I saw there made me clench my teeth to stop myself from saying something that I shouldn't. My left hand flinched on the table beside her, wanting to reach out so badly, but I wrapped my fingers into my palm and placed them beneath the table instead.

My lips tugged into a small grin. "Me too."

Bella sunk her teeth into her bottom lip, biting down while a smile played on her mouth. God, I could watch that on loop for ever. The small action made my insides buzz with something that warmed me.

The question I so desperately needed an answer to was teetering on the tip of my tongue. I wasn't sure if I had any right to ask it, in fact, whether I had any right to ask _anything_ of Bella, but I needed to know.

"So, what's going on with you and Nash?"

My left knee bopped around anxiously while my cool, calm, and collected exterior faded with each passing second.

"Nothing. Not anymore," she answered.

My heart soared at the confirmation; I didn't even notice Nick standing beside me with my breakfast as he set the plate down. There was only one thing left to do and that was to come clean to Nash. Bella made it pretty clear last night that they hadn't slept together, and now she'd told me she didn't want any more from him. So I was praying that this was my chance.

"I… I want… I mean, I'd still like to give you a lesson. If you still want it. Of course."

Bella nodded slowly. "I'd really like that."

I exhaled a sigh of relief. "Me too."

I ended up sharing my breakfast with Bella. I _loved_ Oliver's scrambled eggs, but I was more than happy to split it with her. We talked about random things, photography, and cars. I avoided the subject of how I came to live here at all costs. I didn't want to scare her away; my baggage was too heavy for me let alone someone I'd just met.

When it was time for me to go, I lingered by her side a little longer than necessary. I struggled to walk away from her; the ease of our chatter was such a relief from the intense thoughts weighing down my mind constantly.

I must have said _bye_ at least four times before I finally turned around and left. It was so strange. I felt more drawn to her than before, and leaving was almost a physical pain in my chest.

My light mood made the day pass fairly quickly. Before I knew it, I was pulling up in the driveway of our house as dusk was just falling. Nash's bike was parked beside the garage, so I knew he was home.

Nerves clenched my throat as I walked into the house. I hung my keys on the hook and dropped my bag in my room. "Nash?" I called out.

"Out here, man," he replied, his voice carrying in through the open back door. I stepped outside and found him lying in the hammock with a lit joint in his hand.

"Here," he offered with his outstretched hand. He was holding a big breath, and as he exhaled, the smoke whirled around and dissipated.

I leaned over on the thick trunk of the palm tree and sat down at the base of it. I wasn't exactly sure what to say here, but I knew it _had_ to be done.

I took a drag of the joint and another after that, holding the smoke in my lungs and waiting for the burn before exhaling. "Are you feelin' okay today?"

Nash barked out a loud laugh. "Fuck! No, I feel like fucking shit."

"Yeah. I guess you were trashed. Do you remember what happened? I mean with… Bella?"

I took another few drags of the joint and passed it back to Nash.

"Not really, man. But Bella called me today and sorta filled me in that I was a massive dick to her. And also that you stepped in."

I nodded silently. "Yeah, I kinda freaked out when I saw you being a douchebag."

"I appreciate it, man. I'm a fucking asshole when I'm drunk."

"That you are," I agreed wholeheartedly. "So, did she say anything else?"

I anxiously waited for the right moment to say something. What exactly? I wasn't sure, but I knew it needed to be done.

Nash took a drink from the bottle of water resting in his lap and shook his head from side to side. "Well, she told me it's over. I mean that was pretty obvious. I don't blame her."

My mind was starting to get hazy; I really shouldn't have smoked while trying to confess this. Stupid.

"Uh, Nash? There's something I need to tell you, man." The words bounced around in my brain, and I had no idea what was going to come out. But this was the right time.

"Shoot."


	7. Chapter 6

**Author's Note – Apologies for the looooong delay in updating. **

**Thanks to Txgal77, missmez & kissa621 for pre-reading, and jkane180 & WolfGirlAtHeart who beta'd. Much appreciation thrown your way.**

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

**~~There are now 2 O/S based on this Jake & Bella that are separate from this story. Check them on my profile page – 'Flow in You' and 'Ice & Desire'~~**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p><em>"The ocean is so good at reminding us how insignificant we actually are."<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

I swallowed hard. My throat was so fucking dry, and I was stoned.

Nash was waiting for me to talk. The lump in my throat swelled, and I could barely breathe past it let alone speak.

"Jake!"

"Um, yeah. I… It's about Bella," I began. "She's…"

"A great girl," Nash interrupted, "I know. And I totally fucked up." He fidgeted with the plastic bottle, absentmindedly drumming his fingers against the lid. "Why can't I ever just keep the good girl? The nice girl who's hot and smart and funny. Why do I always fuck it up?" Nash chastised himself and threw the bottle hard against the paved floor.

How the fuck was he gonna take this now?

"Bella _is_ all those things, Nash. Maybe she needs a different kind of guy."

Nash sat up in the hammock and looked over at me. "What are you saying? That I'm not good enough for her?"

Shit!

"No. Dude, I'm just saying… fuck! I don't even know what I'm saying."

"Or what, you think I don't deserve a girl like her? Cause let me remind you man, you and I are not that different." Nash glanced over at me, annoyed.

I looked up at him. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I asked, completely irritated at his insinuations.

"Jake, you and I are exactly the same. The only difference is you pretend that you're nothing like me. You screw around with just as many girls. You treat them like shit just as much as I do. But maybe you're just better at hiding it." Nash leaned over and grabbed the packet of cigarettes off the small plastic table. He opened the pack and slipped one between his lips before lighting it.

I stood to my feet. The fury kept growing within me, and I should have just walked away. I _should_ have. But I didn't.

I walked up to Nash and lifted my hand, pointing at him accusingly. "You fucking tried to force yourself on Bella. Don't you _ever_ compare us. Ever."

I was so fucking pissed I couldn't be here right now, so I turned and walked away. Nash was yelling something, but I could barely make it out; my anger was so loud in my head that nothing else registered.

I stormed through the house quickly. I grabbed hold of my car keys and ran out the front door. My mind was a fucking mess; I couldn't make sense of any of the fleeting thoughts. All I knew was that I needed to go.

I slammed the door hard behind me. With shaky hands, I unlocked the car and sped off down the street.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!" I screamed.

I didn't know what made me angrier: the fact that I screwed up my chance at telling Nash or the fact that he was right about he and I being so similar.

No matter how much I tried to deny it, it was true. I did fuck around with just as many girls as he did. And I probably treated them even worse – like Zoe and Tina. Zoe loved me, and I took advantage of that and was a fucking grade A jerk. And Tina… I used her over and over again without ever really even thinking about her feelings either.

Shit! I was no better for Bella than Nash was. But I was more selfish because I _knew_ this to be true, yet I still wanted her to be mine.

I pulled up in the employee parking lot. I desperately wanted to see Bella. Right now, I didn't give a fuck about Nash, and all I wanted was to lose myself in everything that was Bella. This was crazy and stupid, I _knew_ that, but I had ceased to give a flying fuck anymore. I wanted her so god damn much. My body went through the motions of getting me out of the car, and I was walking through the lobby to the elevator before I could even stop myself.

My finger pressed the button for the top floor – the penthouse apartment. I paced the small space of the elevator, my fingers twitching by my sides as my heart raced. It thumped unsteadily behind my ribs, the action making my breathing difficult. My impulsive decision to come and see her was made in haste, and the nerves crept in now.

I watched impatiently as the numbers on the screen increased with every floor the elevator rose. With every passing second, my determination to see Bella waned and dread settled in the pit of my stomach. What in the actual fuck was I doing?

_Jesus fucking Christ_, I thought to myself. I leaned against the cool, mirrored walls that lined the elevator and dropped my head back, clenching my eyes shut and chastising my stupid decision to come here.

Finally, the bell rang and the doors opened, and I stepped into the hallway instinctively, moving to stand before the double doors before I realized it. I lifted my fist to knock; my hand began shaking at the comprehension that Bella was right behind this door. What the fuck was I gonna say to her?

I brought both hands to my face and dug my knuckles into my eyes. This was insane. I couldn't just show up at her door stoned and not knowing what the fuck to say. _I'm so screwed up_. I turned around and walked back to the elevator. I pressed the down button not even knowing why I stepped off in the first place. I tapped my fingers nervously against the metal doors, waiting for the elevator to come back up. I moved closer against the wall; I didn't want to be within view of the penthouse doors.

"Come on, come on!" I begged.

I heard the elevator come back up, and the doors opened; it was still empty. I stepped back inside and pressed the lobby button. I leaned against the railing in the corner and looked at my reflection. My eyes were heavy, and I looked like shit. I felt even worse, all clouded from the drugs.

Claustrophobia hit me hard as the elevator began to move, and I tugged at the neck of my t-shirt, struggling with heavy breaths. My fingers clawed at my throat as I lifted my head up, trying to catch much-needed air easier.

"Fuck," I choked out.

I held onto the railing and tried not to focus on my agitated heartbeat racing in my chest. I needed to get out of here before a panic attack washed over me. I looked up at the screen and watched the numbers. As soon as it got to L for lobby, I was standing an inch from the doors, ready to make a run for it the second they opened.

The bell chimed, and I gasped for air instinctively as they released. My focus was now on my feet, to get me out of here as fast as my legs would carry me. I turned the corner to dash to the exit, but I collided directly into her – Bella.

She stumbled backwards from the force of the contact, and I caught her before she fell. My fingers gripped her arms tightly just above her elbows. I noticed the indents that my fingers left in her skin and dropped my hands quickly, backing away from her.

"Jake!" Bella reached her arm out to me. I flinched and ran towards the doors without even a word.

Not a single fucking word.

As soon as I stepped outside, the cool air hit me, and I gulped it down my throat. I kept running towards the beach as adrenaline pulsed through my veins. My heart rate skyrocketed. I laid my palm over my chest and felt _it_ was gonna happen.

Panic attack.

The pins and needles climbed up my arms and legs, and I could barely inhale against the tightness in my chest. I slowed my pace and walked further down the beach. My body was so hot I felt like I was on fire, and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I dropped to my knees into the wet sand and dug my fingers into it.

That sickening feeling of dread washed over me, and I prepared to fall apart in my own fucked up solitude. I was dying all over again – the gasping for air, the swallowing of saltwater, the burn in my throat, and finally being overcome by the nothingness.

Every.

Single.

Motherfucking.

Time.

My chest ached like a god damn weight was pushing down on it. I just could _not_ breathe, and the feeling of asphyxiation was terrifying – there may as well have been a set of hands wrapped tightly around my throat. And the dizziness that plagued my mind was debilitating; I couldn't move. It was futile; I had no choice but to surrender. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of doom swallow me.

But then I felt a set of warm hands on my face and heard her voice. It sounded smothered and muffled, but that was because the sound of my pounding pulse raced in my ears.

"Jake? Jake! What's going on?" Bella asked frantically.

I could barely feel my limbs, but I lifted my hands and pushed hers away from my face.

"Get out of here," I choked out. "Please."

No one had _ever_ seen me like this. This was the shit I liked to pretend didn't exist in my life. The fucking bullshit I tried to forget and push down on, the crap I forced myself to numb over and over again. It was too much for me, and I didn't want anyone else to see me like this. Ever.

But she was here, right in front of me, and she needed to go. Now!

"Jake. What's happening to you? I'll call an ambulance."

I dragged myself to my feet and tried to walk away. "Don't!" I warned.

I managed four steps before collapsing to my knees again. Jesus, this was so much worse than all the others – but then again, each time always felt that way. I clutched my throat and struggled against the light headedness that was taking over.

Bella ran to my side and dropped down in front of me. Her hands cupped my face, and she lifted it to hers. I didn't want her to see me, and I didn't want to see the resulting look in her eyes - one of fear, or worse, pity.

I clenched my eyes shut, trying to block out the sight of Bella along with the rest of the world. This already felt completely surreal, like an out-of-body experience or some shit.

Bella's arm wrapped around me while her other rested on my hysterical heartbeat. My head dropped to lean on her shoulder as my strength seeped out of my body; I had nothing left to push her away with.

I felt Bella's lips at my ear and her warm breath as she spoke. "It's okay, Jake. It'll all be fine," she soothed in a low, calm voice, "Just concentrate on inhaling and exhaling."

I did exactly as she asked. One deep breath in as much as I could take, inhaling the scent of the coconut lotion on her skin, and a long breath out. Every subsequent lungful of air increased in capacity. My head swam with confusion as an unusual calm overcame me.

Bella's fingers traced the length of my spine, slowly down on my exhale and up on my inhale. The small action was a sufficient distraction and focal point to still my frantic heart. I no longer felt the thumping in my temples, and suddenly everything was so quiet.

I unclenched my fists and instantly felt the relief in my strained muscles. I finally fully relaxed into her embrace and felt her adjust to the weight of my body against hers.

Bella's hands moved up my back one final time, and she gripped my shoulders tightly. "I've got you, Jake," she mouthed against the side of my throat.

She _so_ fucking had me. No one had ever _had me_ as much as she did right now. And she didn't even realize it yet.

Emotion stabbed at my chest and burned behind my eyelids. It was all so much, and I just didn't know what to do with it.

I lifted my head from Bella's shoulder and turned into the crook of her neck. My mouth ghosted over her skin as it travelled up slowly. It rested over the place where I could feel her pulse race against my lips.

Fuck, this was the moment I needed to remember that I had yet to tell Nash. But I couldn't see or think past Bella. I couldn't take this anymore. The physical ache and yearning to kiss her was overwhelming. Everything else was secondary to taking what I wanted.

My hand skimmed up her side, and my fingers gripped the back of her neck. She whimpered, and that was all it took. My nose ran up the curve of her neck and along the length of her jaw. I lifted my eyes to hers, and I saw a hunger there that I was certain equalled my own.

Bella's sweet breath wafted across my lips, and with a sudden need, I crashed my mouth to hers.

I almost gasped in her mouth at the contact; I'd been waiting for and imagining this moment since I first laid eyes on Bella on this very same beach. Her smooth lips were gliding over mine, melding so perfectly, like she was made just for me. She tasted like perfection, and my mouth was so desperate for more. My tongue ran across her bottom lip as she panted heavily against me. Her lips parted, and my tongue slid inside, deepening the kiss. I breathed in everything that she was. Nothing had ever felt so right, so perfect.

My free hand reached around her waist and rested firmly on the small of her back. I rose to my knees and hovered over her, pulling her up to me. Every inch of my body pressed firmly against hers as our hearts raced with fulfilled anticipation.

Bella's hands moved down my shoulders and over my chest. Her nails raked over my stomach, and she sighed against my lips. Fuck, the effort to rein in the intensity of this moment was so fucking much that it physically ached. She lifted the hem of my t-shirt, and when her fingertips came in contact with my stomach, it was like it set fire to my insides. I couldn't bear it, so I reached for her hand and laced my fingers with hers. I squeezed hard and twisted our joined hands behind her back, holding her firmly against me.

I cocked my head to the side and pressed harder on her mouth, swallowing the small contented noises rising up from her throat. God, I could have crawled beneath her skin and it still wouldn't have been close enough. My lips were practically numb from the force of the kiss, and I reluctantly pulled away. My forehead leaned against Bella's, and our gaze was firmly locked.

Her head tilted back a fraction, a clear invitation for more, but instead, my lips brushed over hers as I mouthed against them, "I'm sorry."

Bella's hand rose, and she wrapped her fingers around my arm. "Please don't say that," she begged, shaking her head to further enforce her stance on what she _knew_ I was about to do.

God, she was so beautiful, and I didn't expect to have the strength to deny her. I couldn't allow this to go any further. This was not at all how this was supposed to happen, and even though I didn't regret it, I would stop it from turning into more right now.

"I can't do it. Not like this," I told her bluntly.

My arms reluctantly dropped by my sides, and I pushed up off the sand and stood before her. I reached my hand out; Bella took it willingly, and I pulled her up to her feet. She lifted her shaky hand and nervously placed it on my chest.

"It's okay now, right?" she asked with a furrowed brow. "What wa- I mean was it a… panic-"

"Yeah," I replied abruptly, cutting her off. I didn't want to hear the word; my heart rate already began climbing at the mere mention of what had happened.

The warmth of her palm seeped through my thin t-shirt as I curled my fingers around hers and pried them off my chest. Every second longer I stood here made it that much harder to walk away. I literally could not do it.

"Bella," I whispered huskily as she stared at me with those too-familiar brown eyes, "you have to leave."

She shook her head from side to side. "What? No, I'm not leaving you here," she answered.

I clenched my fists at my sides. My hands trembled with the desire to reach out to her. "Please. I can't do it."

Bella's shoulders dropped in defeat. "I can't either. I don't want to go," she said as her voice softened again.

She stepped forward, and I instinctively took a step back and closed my eyes, turning my head to the side. "Please!" I asked one final time.

I looked at her once more, and I could see the hurt in her eyes; I fucking hated knowing I put in there. "No! I'm not walking away from you, Jake. If you don't want to be here, then you need to be the one to walk away." I focused on the rise and fall on her chest as her words slowing registered in my head – she wasn't going to leave.

I threaded my fingers in her hair and leaned into her one final time. My mouth was at her ear and my voice thick with emotion. "You have no fucking idea how much I _want_ to be here, how much I _need_ to be here. But I just can't." I pulled back and let myself drown in the depths of her chocolate eyes once more as I whispered, "I'm sorry," and turned and walked away.

Fuck. This hurt so fucking bad. This shouldn't have happened; I let my anger with Nash cloud my judgement and I did the thing I swore I would never do. And now that I'd had a taste of Bella, I yearned for more. So fucking much more.


	8. Chapter 7

**Author's Note – Thanks to Txgal77 & kissa621 for pre-reading this chapter, and jkane180 & WolfGirlAtHeart who beta'd. My gratitude is immense.**

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p><em>"Let your waves crash down on me and take me away"<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

I didn't turn around as I ran away from her.

Ran. I actually _ran._

I needed to get the fuck out of there as fast as I could. Walking away was not an option; the pull to stay was so goddamn strong that it physically hurt somewhere deep inside my chest. Something stabbed and squeezed my lungs, and I just couldn't breathe right.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" I growled at myself - more out of sheer frustration than anything.

I rounded the brick wall along the east side of the resort that led to the employee parking lot. I concentrated on the dirt floor, watching as the dust rose around my shoes with every step.

As if from nowhere, I stumbled directly onto the hood of a moving car. The Rolls was driving out of the parking lot, and I'd somehow managed to crash right into it.

I pushed off of the hood with my hands and help one up in apology to the driver through the front windshield. The window rolled down, and an older man dressed in a suit pointed his finger at me.

"Get your filthy hands off my car, boy."

Boy? This asshole just referred to me as _boy_?

The man narrowed his eyes and looked me up and down. The judgemental look in his eyes and the stupid smirk on his lips made me wanna kick a fucking dent right there in the fender of his precious Rolls Royce.

My anger flared at the pretentious prick. "I fucking said I was sorry. Sir," I spat through clenched teeth.

"This car is worth more than you will ever see in your lifetime. Now, I suggest you get out of the way before I have you escorted off of the premises."

The man's arm was resting on the door, and the sleeve of his suit had ridden up his arm just enough to reveal his gold Rolex watch. He wore something on his wrist that was worth more money than I made in a year. His ostentatious display was sickening.

I took a step backwards, but the smug look on the son of a bitch's face infuriated me. I gritted my teeth and kept my mouth firmly shut to stop the words from spilling out hatefully. I couldn't risk losing my job if this asshole had security called on my ass.

The Rolls sped off around the corner, and I closed my eyes against the plume of dust from the gravel floor.

I needed to physically lash out at _something_. There was so much madness bubbling under the surface that I was ready to explode with it. I didn't want to be inside my own head – it was a fucking scary place, and I longed for something to save me from myself.

"Fucking fuck!" I screamed and plowed my fist into the brick wall.

My knuckles split open, and I could feel the burn as the blood rose to the surface of the broken skin. I leaned back against the wall and slid down to the floor as I dropped my head back. I stared at the black sky – I hated myself so much right this second.

I was so broken, like a glass vase shattered into pieces. You could try and glue it back together, but the fractures and cracks would always be obvious. Maybe not from far away, but the closer you got, the more clearly you'd see it. It was all temporary anyway – surely I couldn't keep the façade up much longer. I was barely holding myself together these days, and it was utterly terrifying.

Sitting against the brick wall in the parking lot, I stared at my hand. It had been at least an hour. I just sat there, trying_ not_ to think about anything and just concentrating on watching the blood dry and scab on my knuckles.

Finally, I peeled my ass off the dirt floor and headed to my car. I started the engine and looked out the window up towards the top floor of the resort – the penthouse. _What was she thinking?_ I wondered. How long would it be till she decided I wasn't worth it? That I was so fucked and it'd probably be better for her to just pretend we'd never met?

I forced my foot down on the gas and veered out of the parking lot – destination: home.

When I arrived home, the light was on in the lounge - I kinda hoped Nash wouldn't be awake. I just didn't want to face him right now. I turned the engine off and sat in my car for a few minutes. _Coward! _I rolled my eyes at myself and got out, dragging my feet heavily to the front door.

I heard their voices as soon as I pushed the door open, and I exhaled with relief. The laughter floated out of the lounge to the hallway, and I almost felt better. Almost. I walked into the room and leaned against the back of the couch with my hands.

"Hey, guys," I greeted with a fake smile.

Zoe and Lani sat on the couch closest to me. Mak sat on the recliner opposite me with Sophie positioned on the floor between his outstretched legs.

"Jake! Man, what's going on?" Mak asked curiously as the girls said their hellos.

_What was going on? I had _no_ fucking idea!_

"Not much, man. Tired," I told him as he eyed me suspiciously.

I looked down and noticed Zoe staring at my bloody knuckles. Fuck! I'd forgotten about that. I swiftly jerked my hand away and twisted it behind my back, tucking it casually into my back pocket.

"Have a beer with us, Jake," Lani offered. "We miss you. It's been ages."

I shook my head. "Nah, another time. Promise."

I leaned down over the back of the couch and kissed Lani on the cheek. I could feel Zoe measuring me up with her glare. "All right, night, guys," I called as I strode out of the room quickly.

Nash's door was closed; I was curious whether he was actually in there or if he was out. Either way was fine by me. I didn't want to see him again tonight.

My bedroom door slammed shut loudly behind me, and I flopped on my bed. I wanted to crawl into a fucking hole and never come out. I turned over and lay on my back with my feet hanging off the edge and kicked off my shoes.

It was noisy inside my head. I wanted to turn the volume down and not think about any of it, just shut it all out. If only it were _that _simple. I couldn't undo what I'd done. I couldn't take back the things that were said. And worst of all, I didn't _want_ to.

She didn't leave. She just… _didn't_. She stayed and held on to me. She stayed even after I told her to go. Bella got a glimpse of the real me, the broken me, the me no one had ever really seen before. I mean, it was just a glimpse, but she fucking _stayed_.

There was a knock at my door.

"Jake?" Zoe called softly.

"Yeah. Come in."

I continued looking at nothing specific on the ceiling of my room as I heard her open the bedroom door tentatively. She walked over and sat on the edge of the bed beside me. My hands were folded on my stomach, my good hand covering the battered one. I knew she'd seen it already, but I hoped she wouldn't mention it.

"Where's Nash?" Zoe asked curiously.

I exhaled audibly. "I don't know, Zoe."

Her fingers touched my elbow and travelled up my forearm, where she wrapped her hand around my palm and lifted it off my stomach. I closed my eyes and let her. I was pretty certain she thought I'd beaten the shit outta Nash so I expected her next question.

"Did you hurt him?" she asked as she ran the pads of her fingers over my busted up hand.

I shook my head from side to side and finally met her questioning gaze. "No. I didn't tell him. I mean, I was _going_ to, but then… fuck! He said something that… I don't know… that set me off, and… I couldn't do it."

Zoe's brow knitted together. "What did he say?"

"_Jake, you and I are exactly the same. The only difference is you pretend that you're nothing like me."_

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" And I didn't. I didn't want to admit to Zoe that Nash's statement hurt 'cause it was fucking true. She'd know that better than anybody.

Zoe curled her legs up on the bed and leaned down to rest on her elbow beside me. "Okay. We don't have to talk about it. Let me take care of your hand."

I barely nodded my permission, and she lifted my hand to inspect it. "Jesus, Jake. I hope a person wasn't at the receiving end of this fist."

She replaced my hand onto my stomach and rose up off of the bed. She disappeared out the door, and a few seconds later, I heard the water running in the bathroom and Zoe rummaging through the cabinet. When she returned, she had a wet cloth and a tube of antiseptic cream in her hands.

Zoe resumed her position on the bed beside me, took my hand in hers once again, and dabbed the wet cloth over the dried blood. She winced as my hand flinched in her grip. "Shit, I'm sorry, Jake."

I laughed a little at her response. "Not your fault."

Zoe's eyes met mine, and a small smile played on her lips. "I know. I just don't like to see you hurt."

Her eyes were so caring when she looked at me. I could literally see the remnants of the love she still had for me. I never understood how, after all this time and all the shit I put her through, she could _still_ care.

"Think of it as karma, Zoe."

I wanted to tell her I was sorry. Sorry for every single time I abused her heart. Sorry that I couldn't return the love that she gave so freely, even when I was the person who deserved it least.

"You think _this_ is karma, Jake?" she asked as she motioned to my bloody hand. "You think split knuckles is even close to…" Zoe trailed off before snapping her mouth shut quickly. "Never mind."

She wiped over my hand a few more times, and the renewed sting pricked at my broken skin. I watched wordlessly as she unscrewed the tube of antiseptic cream and squeezed some onto her finger before dabbing a little on the four knuckles which were now weeping with fresh blood.

"Zoe?"

"Uh huh."

I swallowed hard and asked the question that was burning on the tip of my tongue. "How can you still care about me? I mean… why?"

Zoe didn't answer for the longest time. She placed the tube and cloth on the nightstand and lay down next to me. I turned on my side to face her and watched as she closed her eyes.

"It just… won't go away," she finally responded. Her eyelids fluttered open, and her blue eyes were the color of the sky. "I kinda wait for it. Like, one day I'll wake up and just _not_ die a little every time I look at you. And so many days I think, _oh, this is it_, but then I see you… and it's there all over again."

I'd often thought that if I wasn't the way I was we would have been perfect together. But what was the use in thinking about the _what if's_?

"Do you… wish you just hated me?" I asked, thinking of what I could do to make it easier for her.

"No. I just wish I didn't love you anymore. 'Cause that's the part that sucks," Zoe explained as she played with the beads on her bracelet.

I took her hand and leaned forward to place a kiss on her forehead. "I'm sorry."

I watched as her eyes welled with tears and a few slid down her cheek. "Me too, Jake." She pushed up and stood to her feet. "I gotta go."

"You don't have to."

She laughed a little before replying. "Yeah… I do. Bye, Jake."

Zoe walked out and shut the door quietly behind her. I closed my eyes and felt the throbbing pain in my hand and unease in my chest till I eventually drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to the buzzing of my alarm. I grabbed my phone from the night stand and turned it off. I'd slept in my clothes, so I rolled out of bed and stripped before wrapping a towel around my waist. My hand hurt like a bitch. I clenched and unclenched it experimentally and figured the salt water of the ocean would do it good.

I showered quickly to wake up and was out the door in twenty minutes. It was a hot day, and the beach was sure to be packed with people, which was perfect – I was eager to avoid everyone after the night I had.

I parked my car and walked through the lobby to go get the folder with my lessons for the day. I couldn't help but peer inside the restaurant, curious if Bella was there again. And of course she was. She sat at the same table as always, in the far corner, tucked away from everyone else. She had a book in her hands and was toying with her hair.

God, I wanted so badly to go over to her. But I didn't – I turned my head in the opposite direction and walked by quickly.

"Morning, Jake," Elle called out from the doorway of her office.

"Morning. You got my bookings?" I asked quickly, wanting to avoid the small talk.

She held her hand up with the folder. "Yes, right here. You got a busy day today."

I turned around and walked over to her. I grabbed the folder in her hand, but she held onto it. "You okay?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Peachy," I replied sarcastically. If I had a goddamn dollar for every time someone asked me that question… Was it that obvious?

I dumped my bag and went out to the garage to get all the equipment ready to start the day. I was glad I was busy today – it wouldn't give me a lot of time to dwell, which was precisely what I needed.

The morning went by quickly; the beach was full of people tanning and swimming. I had a lesson with my little Aussie buddy Cody before my lunch break. He chewed my ear off about the epicness of Bondi Beach and how I should make it my mission to get down to Sydney at my most convenient time. I fucking wished! If only I could run away – new place, new start… maybe I'd lose some old fears?

I had an hour for lunch. I wasn't sure whether Nash was working so I wanted to avoid the outdoor bar by the pool. I decided I'd walk around the east side of the resort and cut through the kitchen.

As I walked by the main gate that led from the pool area out onto the beach, I looked in towards the bar and saw Nash mixing a drink. There, on one of the cane bar stools in front of Nash, sat Bella.

I stood behind one of the pillars of the gate and watched. I watched as he poured a red drink in a tall glass and placed a strawberry on the rim. I watched as Bella accepted the drink from him with a smile. I watched as she took that strawberry off of the glass and slid it between her lips. I watched as he propped his elbows up on the bar and leaned in to her. And then I couldn't watch any more.

I had no right to be feeling what I was feeling, but it didn't matter; I felt the sharp sting of jealousy in my gut anyway.

I turned on my heel and headed back to the garage. Fuck this shit. I'd suddenly lost my appetite. I unlocked the door and swung it open forcefully, kicking a bucket of spare fins out of my way as I strode in.

This just didn't make sense. Or was I just reading too much into it? I'd just assumed that she wouldn't want anything to do with Nash after he was such a dick to her at the bonfire. I guessed I was wrong.

I spent my lunch hour sitting on the floor, leaning my back against the cool brick wall. Still had half a day of work to go – this day needed to be over… now! I sucked it up, and even though I contemplated faking illness, I stuck it out.

The remainder of the day dragged – it was stifling hot, and I was in desperate need of cooling down. I'd just finished my last lesson for the day and kneeled on the hot sand to wrap the leg rope around the board to secure it.

"Hey," a voice called out from behind me.

I turned to face her, even though I didn't want to. I squinted against the rays of the setting sun and saw Bella standing there in a bikini top and shorts, holding a bag.

"What are you doing here?" I asked stiffly.

The smile from her mouth faded, and her head dropped to inspect the sand at her feet. "I… um, I booked a lesson."

I shook my head. "Nope. I just finished my last one for today," I explained.

Bella reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of paper. She unfolded it slowly and stretched her hand out to me. "Well, I just booked it earlier. Here's the receipt."

"Shit. I was supposed to be finished for the day-"

She stepped forward, took the paper from my hand, and shoved it back in her bag. A blush crept on her cheeks as she spoke. "It's okay. I'll just go back and change it."

Elle would kill me if I refused the lesson. "No. Don't change it. I can do it now."

She lifted her hand and held it above her brow to shield her eyes from the glare of the sun. I stared at her fingers and could remember precisely how they felt running over my back last night.

"I really just wanted to… to check on you. I mean, make sure you were okay after last night."

I watched her lips as she spoke and could almost taste her on my tongue. _Jesus_!

I shrugged my shoulders and looked out at the water. "I'm fine. Just drop your bag, and we can get started."

I didn't want to talk about last night. I wanted to pretend it never happened, that she never saw me falling apart. But worse still, seeing her sitting at the bar chatting with Nash while he was clearly hitting on her was eating away at me. I was fucking pissed - it was crazy.

Bella placed her bag on the sand and stepped out of her sandals. Tossing them aside, she reached up to tie her hair in a ponytail at the base of her neck before turning to me. "I guess I'm all yours."

All mine. God, that's all I wanted – if only it was that simple.

I walked beside Bella and held up one of the foam boards next to her. "It's a little too short, but it'll do." I held the board out to her, her small hands gripped the sides, and she tucked it under her arm. Fuck, she looked so goddamn cute there in her bikini holding a fucking surfboard. It almost made me smile - almost.

"Um, so just lay the board on the sand and position yourself on top of it," I instructed as she followed me closer to the water's edge. I watched as she kneeled down and lay on her stomach, awaiting my next instruction.

I dropped to my knees in the sand beside Bella. "The first thing you gotta practice is paddling out and popping up."

"Okay," she agreed as she started doing paddling motions with her arms. "Jake, I just need to know that you're all right. Please."

"Wider circles with your arms," I suggested as I took each of her wrists in my hands and directed their movements. "And I'm fine. I don't wanna talk about it. Just drop it."

Bella nodded slightly and continued. I knew she wanted to ask again, and I so badly wanted her to believe what I was telling her – that I _was_ fine - but that was bullshit. I knew it, and she knew it too.

"Good. Now, when I say pop, you have to pop up on your feet in one fluid motion," I explained as I lay down on the sand on my stomach and demonstrated how to pop up. "So put your hands on either side, lift one knee and push off of both feet to stand, and then let go of the board with your hands. But remember to keep your balance."

I contained my amusement as I watched her trying to copy my maneuver. She could barely balance on the board on dry land, let alone in the water. "Like this?" she asked hesitantly.

Once again I was by her side. I leaned over and gripped her hips in my hands. "You ready?" I asked. She nodded, and when I told her to pop up, I held her hips steady and directed forward so she could get her stance right. Her hot skin burned my palms, and she felt so fucking good. _Too_ good.

I quickly moved my hands from her waist and took her arms by the elbows. I stood behind her now and explained how she needed to stretch her arms out to help with her balance. "Like this," I said as I ran my hands up her forearms till I reached her wrists and extended her arms.

Bella's fingers ran over my knuckles, and she slid her arms out of my grip and took my hands in hers. All I wanted to do was link our fingers, wrap my arms around her middle and hide my face in her neck. I wanted to be close to her again, just like I was last night. God, I just wanted to feel her skin against my lips.

But I yanked my hands out of hers instead and stepped back. Bella turned and looked over her shoulder at me. "Don't," I whispered. "Lie down and try popping up again."

I ran my palm over my face. Fuck, I was so tired – tired of it all. I didn't want to pretend anymore, and I really believed Bella might be that person – finally someone that I could let inside and drop the act. But right now, I was scared shitless to even see if she was - if she _could _be.

"Let's try this in the water," I suggested as I took her board under my arm.

We waded through the warm water, and when we reached hip height, my limit these days, I asked her to lay the board down. "I'm scared," she told me with a nervous laugh.

_Me too,_ I thought. I really was. I'd never felt… so _much_ for anyone so quickly.

"It's okay. I'll be right here."

I took the leg rope and kneeled down in the water. The small waves lapped at my back, and I ran my hand down her calf to grip her ankle. I swear I felt her flinch at my side, and I could hear her breathing change. _Fuck, this was torture_.

I secured the leg rope around her ankle and then stood beside her, holding the board still. "Right, now just hop up and lay on it just like we practiced."

Bella exhaled a deep breath and nodded. "Easy. Right?"

"Yeah." _Yeah right!_ I thought. Easy - nothing was ever easy.

I watched as Bella leaned over and lay down on the board. She scooted down to position herself just like I showed her on the sand, and she clutched the sides so tightly her knuckles were white.

I dipped down into the water to my chest and moved to stand in front of her, holding the nose of the board. "Relax a little," I said as I reached over to her hand to loosen her grip. Our gazes met for a few seconds, and I noticed the questioning look in her eyes. I dropped my head and looked down into the water. I had no answers for her right now.

"I'm ready," she stated simply. I wasn't sure if the double meaning I took from her words was intentional or not, but a small sense of hope warmed through my chest.

"Now we wait for some waves."

Bella propped up on her elbows while I kept the board steady. I was still in front of her searching for a perfect wave to help her into, and I couldn't help but look down at her breasts in her bikini. Fuck! That image would surely torture me tonight when I was losing sleep over it.

"What happened to your hand, Jake?" Bella asked as she inspected my busted-up knuckles.

I peered over at it – it didn't look as bad as it had yesterday. "Oh, just… grazed it against the gravel floor."

Bella bit her lip and spoke. "Jake, I just-"

I knew what she was going to say – that she wanted to know I was okay, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't; I probably never would be again, and I was sick to death of that being the fucking standard question. So I cut her off and lied. "There's a wave. You ready?"

I moved around the side of the board and held on to the back. A small wave was coming in, and I told her to paddle. "Okay, now pop up!" I pushed the board into the wave and smiled at Bella's poor paddling effort. But she did manage to get to her knees, trying to pop up before she fell off the side.

I waded over to her and helped her up as she spluttered water. I smoothed back the wet hair from her face as she coughed hard. "You're okay, just breathe." My smile disappeared as the words I'd just said reminded me of precisely what Bella had told me last night during my panic attack.

I immediately felt a tightness in my chest, so I closed my eyes and concentrated on slowing down my thumping heart. I was _not_ going to let this happen. Not here and not _now._

"Good try. Again."

Bella got back on the board like a trooper, and for the rest of the lesson, I avoided any talk of last night. By the end, she'd finally gotten the message and stopped mentioning it.

I looked at my watch. "Time's up," I announced.

"Okay. Thanks for this. It was… fun," she said with her sunniest smile.

I bent down and undid the leg rope from her ankle, and we headed back in to the beach. The sun had almost finished setting, and as I looked around at the people on the sand, I noticed Nash sitting on the floor against the fence drinking a beer. He was looking in our direction, and I was suddenly curious how long he'd been there.

"God, it's cold," Bella said as she walked towards her bag. I watched as she reached for her towel and wiped over her face. Her ponytail dripped water down her back; I concentrated on each drop and the path it made down her spine over her goose flesh. Her skin glowed with the warmth from the setting sun, and I fought the urge to pull her into my chest to warm her up.

Bella threw the towel up over her shoulders and squeezed the excess water from her hair. She looked over at me, and we locked eyes as I held the boards.

She licked her lips nervously. "Do you… maybe want to… do something? Grab a drink or-"

"I can't," I cut her off abruptly. Jesus, I wanted to so much, just to be _near_ her. But I couldn't. It was still messed up – I hadn't talked to Nash and I fucking kissed her last night. A mess, that's what this was.

Bella nodded meekly and picked her bag up off of the sand. "Goodnight, Jake."

"Night," I replied quietly and turned around in the opposite direction. I had such a hard time watching her walk away, like it physically hurt. I couldn't do it tonight, not again.

I speared the board into the sand and wrapped the leg ropes securely around them. I reached for the hem of my rash vest, pulled it off, and wrung it out. I noticed two guys walking by who were staring at me and talking quietly, clearly about me.

They approached, and one called out. "Hey, you're Jake Black!"

"Uh, yeah."

"Fuck, dude. I watched you take that fucking nosedive. What was that, like two years ago?" he asked curiously.

No words would pass my throat, so I nodded a little - the memory of that day burning in my brain all over again.

"Holy shit, man, I thought you were fucking dead. No one expected you to survive that."

My chest felt tight, and the anxiety at recalling that day was suffocating. "I gotta go," I said as I backed away.

"Later, man," they called after me. I gulped down a huge breath and turned to grab the boards.

And there she was – standing a mere five feet behind me, clutching her sandals and giving me _that_ look. Pity. Her brows creased together as she asked, "You nearly died?"

_Oh fuck_. I just wanted to disappear.


	9. Chapter 8

**Author's Note**** – ****Thanks to Txgal77, missmez & kissa621 for pre-reading this chapter, and gangsta beta jkane180. Love you guys long time. Muchos l****ove to my other beta WolfGirlAtHeart who recently had a baby.**

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p>"<em>The tide always turns"<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

Bella took one step forward; I took one backward. She reached her hand out for me, and I snatched mine away.

"Jake, please."

I closed my eyes tight and shook my head.

"Look at me," Bella begged. "I just want to help."

"You can't," I told her bluntly. "Nobody can." The truth of my words stung my eyes. My heart drummed hard against my ribs - I had to contain it; I _had_ to!

"Just… let me try," she said in a soft voice as her fingertips ghosted over my hand hanging by my side. "Give me a chance, Jake. That's all I ask." Bella slid her fingers into my palm and gripped my hand hard. The feel of her soft and warm skin was amazing.

I opened my eyes and stared into hers. They were so caring and honest, and I wondered again whether she actually _could_ help me, whether Bella could actually be the catalyst that saved me from myself – before it was too late.

"I'm not a good guy, Bella. I'm just… not."

She swallowed hard and sighed. "I don't care."

I leaned forward till my mouth was at Bella's ear. "You should," I whispered before pulling back. I reached for her wrist with my free hand and jerked my other hand out of her grasp.

The expression on her face made me wince. Bella was laying her cards on the table and telling me she wanted this. I did too, _so_ fucking badly, but I was terrified – what if I was too screwed up?

I knew building this wall up between us was futile - I could feel her pushing so hard to knock it down - but surely it was only a matter of time before she'd give up. There's only so many times a person can take being pushed away. The masochist in me wished she would just give up right now – the probability of me only bringing her pain was so high - but fuck, I was selfish too and needed her so much. I didn't _want_ her to give up. I wanted her to push harder and harder still 'cause I could _feel_ that we could be something amazing and unforgettable. But I was the one standing in my own way. How fucked up was that?

Suddenly, it all began to feel so much _more_ than what it had been – up until last night, I was the messed up guy who wanted the pretty girl with one obstacle: my friend. But this was now bigger than just the problem with Nash – 'cause I could have told him the other night, not easily, but I could have done it. I _should_ have. It was like I fucking sabotaged myself on purpose.

Last night changed everything. Bella was never supposed to see me in my dysfunctional element – panic attacks and primal fears. My cool and aloof tough guy exterior had been smashed, and I couldn't put it back together again. I either had to let her in or shut her out completely till she gave up.

"Jake," Bella pleaded, "I'm not leaving."

"Didn't ask you to this time," I said as I leaned down and picked up the boards, "because I'm leaving." I gripped the boards tightly under my arm and walked towards the storage garage.

"Jake!" she yelled after me.

"Go home, Bella," I replied without turning back.

She didn't follow. I wasn't sure whether I was more relieved or disappointed. Once I entered the garage, I turned to close the door and glanced over to the spot we'd been standing – she wasn't there; it was empty.

I placed the boards on the table and ran my hands through my hair, angrily fisting the wet strands between my fingers. _Fuck!_ I felt so defeated, the emotion raw and painful, and I just wanted to make it go away. I was craving the blankness that drugs provided – the weed, the pills, the blow – anything just to take the edge off. I wanted a big void to open up inside where I could shove all this shit down and not deal with it.

I flicked the light switch and stood at the table with the boards, attempting to untie the leg ropes. I'd wound them around both boards, and now they were tangled. I tried not to think of Bella and her pleading voice as my shaky fingers fumbled with the ties. I finally managed to free them and placed the boards in the stand.

Everything I needed to lose myself was tucked away in a box in my night stand at home. The fact that I was still here standing in the garage at work instead of speeding off home was strange. I desperately wanted to forget what happened, but at the same time, these intense feelings kinda made me feel _alive_. Regardless of whether they were painful or not, they were _real_ – not induced or exaggerated by drugs.

I sat on the floor and leaned up against the wall. I replayed Nash hitting on Bella at the bar and how that made me feel. I fucking hated it – it pissed me off, and I took it out on Bella. I was such a prick during the lesson I was surprised she didn't just leave. God, I was being an asshole. "Fuck!" I yelled at myself. "I'm such a dick."

"No, you're not," Bella said from the doorway of the garage.

My head snapped in her direction as she pushed the door open and walked in. I stared at her, my mouth agape as she placed her bag on the table and kneeled down in front of me before sitting on the dirt floor and crossing her legs.

"You're not a dick, Jake."

"I'm sorry," I said simply. I was: sorry for all of it.

Bella fidgeted with trembling hands as she mustered the courage to speak. I just sat there looking at her, completely in awe 'cause she had bigger balls than I did.

"Just let me say this, and then I'll go… _if_ you still want me to."

I nodded. "Okay."

She inhaled deeply, closed her eyes, and exhaled before beginning. "I really like you," she said with a laugh. "God, that sounds so juvenile. What I mean is, well… no, that _is_ what I mean: I _like_ you." Bella covered her face with her hand and shook her head. "Sorry, this sounded a lot better in my head."

I instinctively reached up and took her hand, pulling it down and away from her face. It was like there was this pull to touch her that I couldn't fight – I craved her contact so much that my hand moved before I could even decide against it. As she sat here before me all vulnerable and pure, the words I'd been trying to make myself believe seeped out of my brain, and all I could think about was her mesmerising eyes full of hope and her perfect lips saying these perfect words to imperfect me.

She _liked_ me. As crazy as it was, I felt so much more for her, but this small amount of affection she held for me made my chest ache with a fullness I hadn't felt in a long time – the _good_ kind of fullness that made you smile subconsciously and brought about an unintentional sigh.

"It sounds pretty good to me." The words passed my lips without permission, but I didn't regret them when her mouth pulled up into a coy grin. God, she was perfection right here, sitting cross-legged between my thighs. Her presence just made me feel warm – I wanted more, _so_ much more.

"Let me start again. I feel like there's this… connection or _something_ here between us. God, maybe I'm just crazy, but I thought you might have felt that too. And last night, that kiss – I couldn't even function after that. I know you felt it too. But today… I just can't figure you out. And to be honest, I don't really want to. I just want you to let me in… if that's what you want too, of course."

I wanted to let her in, I really did, and having her here, just like this, so simple and honest, I couldn't deny that I wanted this, that I _needed_ this, that I needed _her._

But seeing her with Nash was still eating away at me, and I just had to ask, "I know I have no right to ask, but… what the fuck was going on with Nash at the bar?"

Bella tilted her head to the side in confusion. "You saw me at the bar with Nash?"

I nodded a little without speaking, almost feeling ridiculous to fully admit to it.

Bella smirked and explained, "I actually went to ask him about you. I was worried and just asked if he'd seen you. That's all."

I exhaled with relief. "It just looked like… well, it's Nash, so… you know."

Bella bit her lip slightly before looking up at me from beneath her lashes. "I would never do anything with Nash. Just to make it clear."

My entire body relaxed a little at her confession, and I felt lighter somehow, just because she'd admitted that she was actually asking him about me. I owed her a confession of my own, and without really knowing how to begin a conversation about a near death experience, I just blurted it out.

"Yes. I did just about die nearly two years ago," I revealed. My eyes were firmly shut, mainly because I didn't want to see the look on her face, but also because I didn't want her to see the fear in mine.

I felt her hand move up till her palm slid in mine, and our fingers laced tightly. "Jake. I don't even know what to say."

I finally opened my eyes and met her sympathetic gaze. "Just don't say you're sorry. Okay? I'm sick to death of everyone saying that."

Bella nodded slowly and stayed silent, urging me to reveal more.

"It was a big competition. I was going for junior title again, and I made the biggest error in judgement and nearly killed myself." I ran my thumb over the top of her hand, tracing the line of her knuckles. I laughed bitterly before adding, "Sometimes I think it would have been easier if I did just die."

I heard Bella gasp and shift backwards slightly. Fuck, why the hell did I just say that? Too much - too much for me to admit, let alone anyone else to hear. "I'm sorry. That was a stupid thing to say."

Bella's hand suddenly felt tentative in mine. "Is it true though?"

"Maybe? I don't even know sometimes."

Bella scooted up onto her knees as I continued. She listened intently, and I wondered where that line would be that crossed over into the territory where she would realize I was too fucked up to be worth the effort.

"Last night, the panic attack, I get them all the time. Ever since… that day because having my lifelong dream stolen away from me wasn't enough, now I have to live with this fucking anxiety and panic that reminds me of dying. Every mother fucking time."

I dropped her hand and pushed up to stand. Bella stayed kneeling on the ground as I stood in front of the table and rested my hands on it. Leaning forward, I dropped my head in defeat. I was in a constant struggle with my subconscious, and I was fighting a losing battle – the fear always won.

I heard Bella moving behind me, and then she gasped loudly. I didn't comprehend why till I felt her fingertips hesitantly run over the thick scar on my spine. I could feel her hand trembling as she traced the line down my back from where it started just beneath my tattoo, all the way down to where it ended an inch above the waistband of my shorts.

"Oh God, Jake…"

I stood upright and turned to face Bella. "Don't. Please."

Her brown eyes pooled with tears, and her lips parted to speak, but no sound came out. My hand reached up to rest on her cheek as my heart thumped hard behind my ribs.

"I…" Bella finally began.

My thumb brushed over her lips, and I leaned forward, ghosting mine over her ear. "Shh," I whispered, "don't say it."

I pulled back slowly, and my nose skimmed over the line of her jaw till we were face to face again. She was so beautiful, and I wanted to lose myself in her and those chocolate eyes. I leaned forward till my forehead pressed firmly against hers, and I swept my thumb across her mouth.

Bella's short breaths were so hot against my lips, and I could taste her on my tongue. Ever so slowly, with purposeful movements, I finally kissed Bella. Not because I was desperate with panic or because she made the first move – because I _decided_ that this was what I wanted.

My lips pressed against hers so gently, and my insides melted at the contact. My brain screamed at me to take, take, and take - to grab firmly and press hard and kiss deeply. But I fought every instinct that told me rush, and instead, with slow deliberation, I savored every breath, every whimper, and every touch.

Bella's arms wrapped around my middle, and I felt her trembling against me. I moved my free hand up to wrap my fingers around the back of her neck, where they tangled into her damp hair. My lips moved on hers softly, molding against them till I couldn't tell where I ended and she began. Bella's lips parted, and her hot breath passed mine – I couldn't help but lick her bottom lip, sucking it into my mouth.

She panted against me and slid her tongue into my mouth, desperately trying to deepen the kiss. I was equally as hungry for her – my hands gripped a little firmer, and my mouth pressed a bit harder while a deep yearning grew in my gut. It was so fucking painful in the best way possible.

My hard on grew in my shorts as Bella's knees pushed between my legs to press her thigh against me. Oh god, I wanted her so fucking badly. I kissed her harder now, pulling her closer by the back of her head – she still wasn't close enough. My hands reached around to her back, and I rubbed my splayed palms down the curve of her spine and over the mound of her ass.

The small noises that escaped from Bella did me in, every whimper and gasp fuelling the flames of this fire in my heart. The riot of emotions was so overwhelming, and nothing else mattered but the feel of her tongue against mine and her thigh rubbing against the bulge in my shorts.

I gripped her ass and lifted her off the floor. She held onto me tightly, her nails digging into my shoulders where she clung like she'd never let go – and I didn't want her to. I turned with Bella in my arms and set her on the edge of the table. Her eager hands moved up over my shoulders, and she rubbed her palms across my bare chest and stomach. I was burning inside, burning with a stronger desire for her than I'd ever known before. It was all so new and exhilarating that it was like a drug in itself.

My mouth left hers and moved down to her throat - she leaned her head back instinctively, allowing me better access. I could feel the satisfied humming in her throat against my lips and grinned against her soft flesh. My teeth grazed a trail down to her collarbone, where I licked over it and placed open-mouthed kisses back up to her ear.

"God, Bella," I murmured, "you taste so good."

With my fingers digging into her hip, my opposite hand slid up the length of her side, slowly grazing over the swell of her breast. I heard her breath catch, and I pulled back to look at her.

Bella's lips were red and swollen and her eyes heavy with emotion. She leaned forward and pressed a kiss on my shoulder then down to just below my collarbone.

"Jesus Christ!" I groaned. "You gotta stop."

Her hair fell across my chest as she made a path back up to my neck. "Don't stop, Jake," she mouthed against my heated skin.

Fuck! She was killing me.

My head was swimming with an insane want, and I reached into her hair and gripped tightly, pulling her up to my mouth. I crashed my lips to hers and kissed her like I wanted to climb inside her mouth - all frantic and forceful. Fuck restraint; fuck it! I wanted her so fucking badly I couldn't see straight, and oh god, her hands and fingers were touching me and leaving blazing trails across my skin.

I wanted to feel every inch of her skin against mine, so I moved my arm behind her and pulled her closer by the small of her back. I pressed myself against her, chest to chest, and I could feel her restless heart pounding, perfectly aligned with mine. Her thighs rested on either side of my hips, and oh shit, I just wanted to push myself into her – I longed for relief from this crazy yearning that was eating at me from the inside out.

My hips inched closer to hers, and I clenched my eyes shut. Bella wriggled forward till we finally connected. I pulled back from her mouth and bit my lip hard to stop myself from shoving against her, and a deep growl sounded in my chest. She smirked up at me and slid her palm over my stomach and up my ribs. I felt her hand still on my left side, and her expression changed. She'd run her hand over the choppy scars from the accident on my left side.

I waited for her to tear her hand away in disgust, but she didn't. "Do you mind if I feel it?" she asked hesitantly.

I shook my head slowly. It had been a long time since anyone was so interested in the scars.

Bella ran the pad of her index finger gently over each line etched into my side. "Do they hurt?"

"No. Not anymore. They're numb," I laughed bitterly, "kinda like how I _try_ to be."

Bella looked into my eyes inquisitively. "What do you mean?"

I meant the drugs – but she had _no_ idea about that. "Nothing," I replied.

A minute ago, I could barely breathe past my desire for her, and now, here I was, feeling like a fucking freak all cut up with fucking scars.

She continued to inspect the marks until I moved back from her. I turned away – why did I feel so fucking vulnerable right now? I didn't understand it, and I hated the feeling.

I heard Bella hop off the table, and she came and stood behind me – close but not touching. I could still feel the warmth from her skin. She reached up and ran her hand down my arm soothingly. "You don't have to be embarrassed of the scars."

"It's not that. I just fucking hate them - they're constant reminders that will never go away."

"Hey," she said as she gripped my arm and tugged at me to turn. "Don't think of them that way. Think of them as proof you're a survivor, reminders that you're a fighter."

I grinned at her analogy - she seemed to have a way to always put a smile on my face. I turned, leaned back on the wall, and pulled Bella forward. "Come 'ere."

I wrapped my arms around her, and she lay her check on my chest. She was so small but fast becoming a huge part of my life. God, I didn't want to let her go. She felt so fucking good with her hand resting over my rapidly beating heart.

I kissed the top of her head, and she looked up at me with those familiar eyes. "You know you're kind of amazing."

My throat tightened around the words I didn't dare say – not yet. There was still _so_much more she had no idea about, and I was determined to keep it from her… for now.

"There's nothing amazing about me, Bella. Come on, I'll walk you home."

I reached for my t-shirt, shrugging it on, grabbed my bag, and followed her out. I flicked the light off and locked up behind me.

We walked along the water's edge in the dark, and I watched as she wrapped her arms around herself. I pulled her in under my arm and rubbed her shoulder to warm her up. We didn't say much; we didn't really need to – the silence was just as comfortable.

Bella exhaled loudly when we reached the resort gates. "Will I see you tomorrow?" she asked as she turned to face me.

I nodded with certainly. "Yes. Definitely."

Bella relaxed into a bright smile. "Okay," she replied, nodding. "Goodnight."

My eyes darted around to make sure no one would spot us. Bella sensed my apprehension, discreetly reached for my hand, and gave it a squeeze.

"Night, Bella."

I watched her till she entered the building then turned to head to my car. Once there, I threw my crap in the back and jumped into the driver's seat. I took my cell phone out of the glove compartment and flipped it open. I had a bunch of missed calls, three of which were from Tina. I rolled my eyes and went into my inbox for text messages.

I opened one of the texts from her and read it.

_I've got something you want. Come see me?_

I wasn't sure if she was referring to coke or to herself, but I wasn't interested in either. I hit delete and then erased all the other the other messages without reading them. They were all from her and I could bet all offering the same thing.

I drove home after stopping off to get a burger. I barely ate these days; the drugs always killed my appetite. Even weed didn't help me.

I pulled up in the driveway and walked through the door. I instantly smelled the Mexican food wafting from the lounge and heard the loud voices of my friends.

"Well, well! Look what the cat dragged in," Mak called out.

There was enough food sitting on the coffee table to feed an army. "Hey. You guys cooked?" I asked, not that I had to ask; Lani sat cross-legged on the floor, scarfing a burrito, and could barely keep her eyes open. "Stupid question!" I said, laughing.

"You want something, bro? Help yourself," Mak offered.

"I'm good. Just gonna grab a beer. You guys want?"

Sophie stood to her feet and stepped over Lani. "Yeah, I'll give you a hand."

She followed me silently into the kitchen, and I nearly collided with Nash. I hadn't even realized he was home. "Sorry," I apologized quietly.

"No problem," he replied as he maneuvered past me.

I looked over my shoulder at him leaving and felt like fucking shit. He was one of my best friends, and here we were, giving each other the fucking cold shoulder. Why didn't I just tell him when I had the chance? I mean, it wasn't like his _thing_ with Bella was that serious. But he and I had our rules – you don't go after your friend's girl, regardless of how much or how little actually happened. I wondered how much he'd be willing to bend this one for me. I _was_ going to find out.

I pulled the fridge open and grabbed a few beers. "What can I get ya', Soph?"

Sophie stood at the kitchen table, tapping her nails against the timber surface. "I know," she finally said.

I stood up without turning. "Know what?"

"B's my cousin. You think she wouldn't tell me?"

I could tell by her tone she was annoyed. "Tell you what exactly?" I set the beers down on the table.

"Everything."

Fuck! Now Zoe _and_ Soph knew something was going on. "Look, if you're pissed that I haven't told Nash-"

"Jake, I couldn't give a shit about Nash!"

I was confused why she was mad now. "Then what's the problem?"

"Look, she just got fucked over by Nash, and she doesn't need that again."

I quickly looked down the hall to make sure no one was approaching before speaking. "Soph, I really like Bella. I promise I won't do anything to hurt her."

Sophie looked me up and down and was clearly satisfied that I was being truthful. "Fine! But if you do, you have me to answer to. And fuck Nash; you don't owe him anything."

I exhaled deeply. "Yeah, I kinda do. I owe him a lot!" And I did. Nash let me move in with him when I couldn't take living with my sister anymore. He'd saved my ass at work more times than I could count when I flaked and turned up late. And there was the time I got busted with weed in my locker, and he took the blame. He always had my back; I'd have had my teeth knocked a few times if he hadn't stepped in. The least I could do was be honest with him.

We went back into the lounge, where yet another joint was being passed around. Nash wasn't there, and I was about to go by his room to check when I heard his bike pull out of the driveway. This would have to wait… again.


	10. Chapter 9

**Author's Note – Thanks to Txgal77, missmez & kissa621 for pre-reading and betas jkane180 & WolfGirlAtHeart. Love you guys like whoa.**

**WARNING: This story contains language, sex and drug use. If this doesn't float your boat, the little red cross in the right hand corner is waiting.**

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p>"<em>Unlike anything else in life, the stoke of surfing is so high that the failures quickly fade from memory."<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter<strong>** 9**

I didn't want to; I really didn't. But I did it anyway.

I leaned over and took the burning joint from Mak when he offered it to me. I sucked it hard between my lips and filled my lungs with the smoke, holding it in till I couldn't anymore. A few more puffs, and I passed it along.

I reveled in the cloudiness that crept up into my brain – the haze I was so used to seeing through, and breathing through, and living through. It was all too familiar, and I leaned back on the couch and took the joint again for another round - and again and again till it burned out.

The chatter in the room was easy – I really missed this, just hanging out with my friends, talking shit, and laughing.

"So how's Tina, Jake?" Mak asked out of the blue.

My eyes darted to look at Soph. Had she told him about Bella and me, and was he just being a smart ass? Soph shook her head from side to side, answering my silent question.

"Uh, not sure man. Haven't seen her in a while," I replied before promptly changing the subject.

An hour later, I ditched the group and headed to my room. I was so fucking tired, not to mention stoned, and my eyelids were heavy; my eyes stung with the effort of keeping them open.

I pulled my shirt off as I walked down the hallway to my bedroom and then threw it on the huge pile of dirty clothes that littered my room. I shrugged out of my shorts and underwear and crawled into bed.

Bella... I couldn't stop thinking about her.

Her mouth panting in my ear, her hands clutching at my back, and thighs tightening around my hips as she sat on the edge of that fucking table. God, how badly I just wanted to bury myself inside her... _fuck_!

My hands grasped the sheets by my sides as I lay on my back. I moved one up and skimmed it over my stomach till I reached the thick scars that were etched into my left side. My fingertips traced the marks just as she had done earlier in the garage.

Without even thinking, my hand inched further south till my fingers wrapped tightly around my cock. Jesus, it felt so fucking good - painfully good - and I began pumping as I clenched my eyes shut. I imagined her just as she was in that garage - sitting on the table, back arched, eyes hungry, and hands roving.

I gripped harder and pumped faster as my breath caught in my throat. I groaned, feeling that ache in the pit of my stomach - it was torture. The feel of my hard on pressed against her and the sound of her whimpers repeated over and over in my brain. My mind played out a scenario, and I imagined her hands tearing open my shorts and pushing them down, her palm wrapping around my cock while she grinned with satisfaction and kissed me so hard I couldn't see straight.

I fisted the sheet with my free hand while I saw her perfectly behind my eyelids. I could almost taste her on my tongue, and oh god, I was fucking close. Fire spread through my insides, and I leaned my head back and increased the pace with my hand. So close, so god damn close.

I panted heavily with the need for release - my hand worked faster and my fingers squeezed tighter as her named escaped my mouth, over and over till I exploded on my shaky hand. A wave of lethargy crashed over me, and I could barely open my eyes. I reached over for a towel from the laundry pile and wiped it over myself before turning on my side.

Her words still echoed in my head while I lay there waiting to succumb to sleep.

_Give__ me __a__ chance,__ Jake.__ That's __all__ I__ ask._

A chance... all she wanted was a chance. She didn't need a _chance _- she already had me. The question was would she want to keep me after she found out the kind of guy I really was?

I drifted off to thoughts of Bella against my chest, the smell of her hair and feel of her skin.

The next morning was frantic as usual. I raced against the clock to get ready for work and ran out the door, making it to the resort without a second to spare.

I wanted to see her so badly, to see her eyes light up and her sunny smile. But I didn't even have a minute to walk into the restaurant I was certain she was having her breakfast at right now. I ran around the back to the beach, not wanting to get busted by Elle. She was always an asshole if I was even a second late.

"Shit!" I realized I had to go get my folder with the appointments for the day.

I walked in through the side door and took the folder without Elle catching sight of me. I flipped it open and quickly scanned over the names for booked lessons and smiled stupidly when I saw _Bella__ Swan_ booked in for an afternoon lesson.

I sighed with relief, and the thought of seeing her later made me feel lighter.

My first lesson was starting in a few minutes, and the two girls were already waiting on the sand for me.

"Hey. I'm Jake," I yelled over at the bikini clad girls. "You guys are..." I quickly glanced down at the paper on my clip board, "Jessie and Veronica."

"That's us," the blonde one said as she pointed at her friend. "She's Jessie, and I'm Roni."

I nodded and pointed to the garage. "Sweet. I'll just get the boards and be back in a second."

Jessie flipped her red hair over her shoulder as she checked me out from behind her black Gucci sunglasses. I smirked and laughed as they blatantly whispered to each other about me.

That lesson was interesting, to say the least. I think these girls had hit a record for the most number of times I had an ass rub my crotch during a lesson. Not to mention the number of times their boobs _accidentally_ fell out of their bikini tops.

Not even gonna lie – a few weeks ago, I'd be banging the shit outta both of them by the time the day was done. But now, it was more funny than anything else.

I was finishing up early today, so the final lesson came sooner than usual. It was Bella's turn, and I searched through the boards in the garage till I found the longboard I wanted. I grabbed the surf wax and rubbed it against the surface, smiling to myself at the memory of the time I gave Bella a crash course in surf wax.

I looked at my watch, and there were still ten minutes till she was due to arrive, so I flipped through my phone. There were new text messages from Tina – _Are __you __avoiding__ me?_ And _I__ need__ to __see __you._ And _Hey__ stranger,__ why __don__'__t__ you __come __over__ tonight?_

I went down the list from newest to oldest and hit delete. She sure was persistent. I didn't think I needed to give her an explanation - we were totally casual, so I assumed my lack of interest would be interpreted as exactly that. But clearly she thought my ignoring her was me playing hard to get or some shit.

My phone vibrated in my hand, and I looked at the name. It was my sister, so I quickly picked up.

"Hey, Bec."

"_Baby__ bro!__ Where__ the __hell __have__ you__ been?__" _she asked worriedly.

"Around. Just busy, I guess."

"_Well, I just wanted to remind you about Mia's birthday party on Sunday. You remember her, right? Your niece who thinks the sun shines out of Uncle Jake's ass?"_

Shit! I almost forgot it was Mia's first birthday. Bec was throwing her a princess party, and my presence was mandatory – not that I'd actually miss the squirt's party for anything.

"Sure, sure. I remember, and yes, I'll be there," I confirmed. "Umm, Bec?"

"_Yes, Jake."_

"Is it… would you mind if I… bring someone?" I asked nervously.

"_Excuse__ me,__ has __hell__ frozen __over?__ Does__ my__ baby __brother__ have__ a__ girl?__" _she asked while laughing her butt off.

In the almost two years I'd lived in Kauai, my sister had never met any girl – well, not officially – she met Zoe, but that was purely accidental when she came over one night and Zoe walked out of my room in her underwear and my t-shirt.

I rubbed my palm over my face and squeezed my eyes shut. "No! Well, kinda… yeah. Maybe… I don't even know, but -"

I stopped speaking abruptly when I heard the door creak behind me. I quickly turned to find Bella standing at the entry with a shy grin on her face and a faint blush on her cheeks.

"Er, Bec, I gotta go. See you on Sunday."

I snapped my phone shut before Bec managed to get another word in and wondered how long Bella had been standing there and how much of the conversation she'd heard.

"Hey," I greeted casually as I peered out the door towards the beach.

"Hi," she replied, following my gaze out the door. "The coast is clear. Don't worry," she added as her smile faded a little.

"I'm not worried," I lied as I stepped closer to her. I slid my arm tentatively around her small waist and leaned down to her. Her breath caught a little, and I smirked in response. I pressed my mouth to hers and watched as her eyelids closed then I felt her hand glide up my stomach to my chest, where it rested.

Fuck, she smelled amazing – I'll never look at a bottle of tanning oil without thinking of her soft skin. Damn.

"You smell so good," I whispered against her lips.

"Well, you can thank The Body Shop for that," she replied teasingly. "You smell like," she began, sniffing at my wrist as my palm cupped her face, "like gum."

"And you can thank sex wax for that," I replied before pulling away. I couldn't even say the word _sex_ to her without my mind wandering to some inappropriately dirty thoughts. I kinda wondered for a second what she was thinking about and silently prayed it was the same thing I was.

"You ready for round two?" I asked, taking the board under my arm.

"I guess so."

To say the next forty-five minutes were sheer torture would be the understatement of the century. Every innocent touch and every purposeful grasp of her leg, ankle, or even her wrist to show her how to maneuver in the surf killed me… in that awesome way that made my insides burn with want.

It was like now that I had let myself go when it came to Bella, I was freefalling and couldn't stop. Not that I even wanted to.

The waves were small, but even still, Bella managed to bite it more times than I could count. She'd jump up out of the water spluttering, and she was _still_ cute as hell. I wrapped my arm under hers as she clung onto me, coughing hard. I smoothed the wet hair from her face that had come loose from her ponytail.

"You okay?" I asked.

She shook her head from side to side and continued coughing and clutching her throat.

I moved to stand in front of her and put my hands on her face. "Hey, hey. Look at me, Bella. Focus on breathing through your nose."

She closed her lips and took small breaths through her nose till she nodded that she was fine.

"My throat hurts," she said huskily.

My hands dropped to her shoulders, and I rubbed the gooseflesh from her arms. "I know. It's the salt water; it just burns on the way down. And on the way up, for that matter."

I lifted my hands from her arms and let them fall by my sides. I didn't want to let go of her but needed to keep my distance publicly for now. Bella unfolded her arms from her chest and dipped them beneath the surface of the water till I felt her fingers lace with mine.

She looked at me with her kind eyes, and I could see she wanted to do more, just like I did. But she respectfully kept her distance too.

"How do you do it?" she asked quietly.

"Do what?"

"Get back in the water and actually _teach_ people how to do the thing that nearly…" She cast her eyes down, not continuing with her question. "That was stupid. I'm sorry."

I squeezed her hand in the cold water. "It's okay. I'm not sure why I do it. I guess surfing was the only thing I was ever good at, you know."

"I don't believe that for a second. Maybe you just didn't give anything else a chance because you were so focused on the surfing?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I was good with cars, but fuck, I had zero ambition to be a damn mechanic.

"Regardless, Jake, you're brave."

Jesus, this was the perfect segue to be truthful and tell her I hadn't been able to get into deep water and actually surf. But my chest felt heavy, and the vulnerability crept up into my throat and I couldn't speak.

"I'm a coward," I whispered with a bitter laugh. I was - in more ways than one.

"Bullshit! A normal person would never have stepped foot into the ocean again."

That just made me feel like even more of a coward because I was _pretending_ that I was fine when, in actual fact, I was far from it. And _normal__…_ I was even further from that!

"Lesson's over," I announced, looking down at my watch.

"Oh…" she replied with disappointment.

I knelt down, and my chest tightened at the feel of the water climbing up my body. My hands slid down Bella's leg, and she lifted her foot so I could reach the leg rope as she held on to my shoulder.

She was so warm – I mean, not physically because we'd been in the cool water for more than forty-five minutes, but just her presence.

She followed me out of the surf, and I dropped the board and picked up her towel before shaking the sand off and draping it over her shoulders.

"Thanks," she said, looking over her shoulder at me.

This was where I would have spun her around, wrapped my arms around her, and held her till she warmed up, but instead, I stepped back, picked her bag up off the sand and held it out for her.

I walked Bella to the resort gate and stopped when Nash looked over at us from behind the bar. The two girls from my morning lesson, Jessie and Roni, sat on the stools in front of him, laughing animatedly. I waited for him to turn his attention back to the girls, but he didn't. He continued to stare at us, so I told Bella I'd call her and stepped back to turn and leave.

I got changed in the garage and called Lani to rope her into going shopping with me to buy a gift for my niece. Fucked if I knew what a one year old girl would want. We spent a few hours wandering around the mall, and I finally bought Mia a mini wetsuit and some educational toys – apparently moms love that shit.

We grabbed some dinner, and I dropped Lani back off at her place before heading home.

When I pulled up in my driveway, Nash's bike was parked out front. He was home, and nervousness washed over me. Shit!

I walked inside and went right to my room to dump my bags. I stepped out of my board shorts and rashie and threw on some clean clothes before making a mental note to do some laundry.

I heard someone come in through the back door and rummage through the cupboards in the kitchen. I took a deep breath and headed in to talk to Nash.

I stopped at the doorway of the kitchen and noticed Nash filling two glasses with ice.

"Hey, man," I started, not really knowing how else to begin.

"Jake," he replied while pouring scotch over the ice.

"I just… I wanted to talk to you about-" I stopped abruptly when Nash walked over and shoved the scotch in my hand.

"Come on," he said as he turned and walked down the hall.

What the hell was going on? We hadn't even spoken a single word to each other since… well, I could barely remember – and now he was making me a drink like nothing happened?

I followed him as he headed into the lounge, and I sat in the recliner. Nash positioned himself on the edge of the couch and pulled the coffee table closer to him.

"So, I just wanna say that I'm sorry, man. This is fucking stupid, and we're totally acting like some fucking chicks with this bullshit silent treatment."

"Yeah, I mean, I was thinking the exact same thing," I told him, still sorta shocked at his sudden willingness to kiss and make up.

He held his glass out to me, and I lifted mine as he knocked it together. "Cheers!" he said and poured half the contents down his throat.

"Cheers," I replied and took a mouthful, swallowing it down as it burned my throat. The heat instantly filled my empty stomach, and I took another mouthful.

"Now, for the peace offering," Nash grinned and shoved his hand in his pocket.

I looked down at my half empty glass and then back at him, and he pulled a small bag out of his shorts. In it was a bunch of colored pills, and a tiny bag of white powder.

_Fuck!_

"Nash, there's no need for all this, man." I downed the remaining contents of my glass and set it down on the coffee table with a thud.

His head snapped up, and his eyes narrowed. "Fuck yes, there is. This is my apology for being a dick," he explained as he opened the bag and picked out a random pill. He held it between his fingers and leaned over, holding it out in front of me. I stared at the pill in his hand for the longest time – I had to work tomorrow, and I really didn't want to get wasted. "You're accepting my apology, right, Jake?" he asked. The tone of his voice was off, and I wondered whether the scotch had got to me and if I was imagining things.

Shit! This was bound to turn out to be a huge mistake. I reluctantly raised my hand and opened my palm just as he dropped the pill right into it.

"Of course I accept," I finally replied.

He smirked at me, nodding his head. "You could never resist," he remarked snidely and got up to head back into the kitchen.

I glanced down at my palm and contemplated whether to come clean now or later. The coward in me thought later seemed like a better plan; Nash would be fucked, and maybe he'd take it better.

"So," Nash began as he sat back on the couch. He reached for my glass, filled it to the brim, and then did the same with his own before lifting it up. "A toast: to good friends."

I cringed inwardly and tapped my glass against his before throwing the pill in my mouth and chasing it with the scotch.

"We're hitting the town tonight, Jake."

Jesus. The last thing I wanted to do was go out, but I knew the instant the drugs crept up into my brain it would override any will I had left in me to stay in. Besides, I wanted to make things as right as they could be before I told him about Bella.

I nodded hesitantly and drank some more of my liquid courage.

Nash pulled the bag of powder out and opened it up before pouring a small amount on the coffee table. "A small pick-me-up before we head out," he said as he arranged it into four lines on the wooden surface. He reached for his wallet and grabbed a bill, rolling it up nice and tight as he handed it to me.

I took it from him and cleared my nose. I kneeled down on the floor, held it to my nostril, and starting from one end, I inhaled hard and snorted the line swiftly. It burned my nasal passage – it was so god damn strong – I clenched my eyes shut and repeated with another line in the opposite side.

"Fuck, man! Where did you get this?" I asked, rubbing my nose with the back of my hand.

"It's good shit, right?" he replied before snorting his two lines faster than I had done.

I leaned back against the chair and tilted my head back, waiting for that drip down the back of my throat. It had to be speed – it burned like a bitch, and I felt the fire run down my throat. My head swam with a strange clarity, and my heart began to thump in my chest. I reached for the scotch and took a few sips to wash the taste from my mouth – it was so numb that I could barely swallow.

"Whoa," Nash breathed hard, and his eyes were wide with pharmaceutically induced alertness. "Come on, get ready, and let's get outta here."

I finished the scotch as the agitation set in – my leg twitched, and my jaw became tight – it came on so fast.

"Give me twenty minutes to shower and change."

"No problem, man. I'll call us a cab while you get ready," he told me while pouring more powder on the table.

I got up and headed to my room. My breathing was already fucked, and my heart thumped unsteadily – funnily enough, it felt a little like a panic attack coming on – it made me wonder why the hell I did this shit to try and forget the anxiety. It was all the fucking same, just triggered by different shit. But I guess the end result was a raging high instead of a rock bottom low.

I stepped into the shower and turned the water on. It felt so foreign against my skin. I turned the water to cold, and I could barely feel the change in temperature. My body felt so hot, and the water trickling over my shoulders and torso almost seemed like someone was physically touching me. It was official – I was completely fucked!

I washed quickly before I completely lost my mind. My chest was heavy from my increased heart rate, and my breath came rapidly. I leaned against the tiled wall and tried to pull myself together while chaos spread through my insides. My mind raced with a feeling of elation like a sudden onslaught that I could barely contain. An accompanying smile found its way to my lips, and suddenly, going out tonight and getting fucked up seemed like the best idea ever. I _knew_ it was all 'cause of the drugs, but somehow, my mind tried to tell me otherwise.

I stepped out and dried off, wiping the steam that had accumulated on the mirror. I leaned forward an inch from my reflection and stared into my vacant eyes – my pupils were so fucking huge I could barely tell what color my actual eyes were. I ran my hands over my face and laughed to myself that my skin felt like velvet beneath my fingertips.

Yep, I'd passed the point of no return, and the word _no_ now vanished from my vocabulary. I knew it would not pass my lips tonight.

* * *

><p><strong>Authors Note: I wrote and donated a futuretake based on Ride It for Fandom Fights Cancer (Fandom4Cancer on twitter). The OS is called "Teach Me To Fly" & Jake is a daddy *swoon* **

**A donation of $5 or more gets you a compilation of stories from an assortment of authors. If you want more info, please go to http:/ fandomfightscancer. blogspot. com/ (remove spaces because FFnet eats links).**

**Also wishing everyone a VERY Merry Xmas and prosperous New Year (aka my b'day! – yes, it sucks). **


End file.
